Itch...itching...it's driving me crazy...

Staying here
just one more day
is causing
my skin to burn

I feel claustrophobic
stuck
and beginning
to feel the walls close
tighter
against my skin

Too many people
here
without real
friendships or love
just said hugs
or something masked
with niceties
unfortunately

so scared to believe
in anyone
that anyone
could be real to me
could be
friendly
could be
my friend
for real

Feeling so much
like this is
high school
just as i
did then feeling
awkward
wanting away
out
afraid to give
of myself
fear of being
disliked.

get me out of here
crawling is
my skin of
new beginnings
not knowing anyone
neighbours
only family miles
miles
miles away
from here
us
and so desperately
wanting fresh starts
all
the
time.

Quiet mumblings
try
to help find
ways to assimilate
into this
incredibly
small
town of small
minds or
big minds
of small people
can't be sure
because
they can't be
nice
can't get close

moving will
save me
stop the itch
stop
the paranoia
or careful delivery
of words said
to neighbours
of town
people

subsiding soon
very
close to
stopping the itch
i need this furious
craving to be rid
of these insects
bites
running soon
away

for now
i
close my eyes
pretend
wait to soon
leave this itchy
sticky
scratchy
messy
scary
feeling-ed
place

Let me share the...Unexpected

six years ago
you caught my eye
i chose to look at
a different guy
someone contrary
to the usual or
something

over the Internet
you glared into
the picture
looking young
and sweet
and bearable

huggable
adorable
feeling lovable

we talked
so many nights
a few weeks passed
I'm certain
before we
could meet

you were so different
then
our conversations light
and airy
funny and so hilarious
i yearned for more
more nights to
chat online
to speak to you
over the telephone line
hear your
voice or
capture some witty
comment in my ear

in my mind i saw you
as intellectual
but different than most
you had this way
to make all your words
so funny
i laughed
needed to laugh

All the while
you discussed not
really being the
knight in shining
armour i was
probably
likely
looking for..
...you were
you are

no saving me required
like some
stupid princess fairy-tale
i saved myself
finally

all i needed was to
fill in some holes and
gaps that were mostly
left unfilled
you fill me
so
completely

helping me find
meaningful love
respect
communication
without a doubt
how could i not
fall so
deeply
in love with you?

i saw you there in
the coffee shop
with your green
eyes and
green shirt
I'm pretty sure
no thanks to my
malleable memories

its how i like to recall
those days
anyway

you smiled
a lot
asked questions a lot
flow of conversation
never really halted
what was said
are things I'll
never remember
maybe baby
sign language
ridiculousness
something of the sort

some people wondered
if i was sure
what was i doing
and how did i meet
this could be creep
online?
and be fine?

he continued to
hold my attention
with his words
and heart
compassion
morals and love
or not love in
balloons of hope and
things not meant to
be said
so
soon
maybe? ;)
in February

despite my apparent
dislike of tall snow
and wet boots
on hikes to breakfast
nooks
he liked me
too

often my glances
looked only
his way to watch
him craft his words
to laugh at what
was next
so intrigued by this man
soon to adore

the man i met is no
more
he has transformed
into a butterfly
or a bottomless sponge
always
needing more
knowledge

now you are even
more beautiful to me
with your stories and
teachings
lessons
and...
preachings?

matter-of-fact-ness
all the time
sugar-coatings
sometimes left at
the
curb
only getting the straight
goods

someone who is
always growing
looking for more
is what i needed
thriving
for someone
who challenges
first thoughts
opinions and looks
further to research
for answers
of life

needing more than what
our parents parents said
actual
real
answers
instead of assumptions

i love you more
because you grow
and encourage
my growth
knowledge and
challenge me
to use my mind
in ways i
couldn't even
conceptualize
before
i met you

while we agree
we were probably
not
"meant to be"
but so incredibly happy to
be
with you
to have found you
in this chaotic world
of weird
people and others
who lurk on the Internet
I'm so lucky
we met

my dreams have
always been of someone
to sit with me
side by side
in old age
on the dock with our
feet in the water
discussing whatever
the current
topics are
tea in hand
loving
respecting
for life
so perfect
with you in that
seat next to me.

A friendly reminder of why I left...

Here we go again
you, reminding me
of why
i chose to be here
and not there
not in your arms
you dirty fucking scumbag.

Surely there are worse men out there
fathers who afflict violence
ones who owe a lot more than you do
ignorant dads who totally disregard
any notion of being present
does it mean i can't be mad

i'm not about to stop
and begin to accept
YOUR
absurdity, stupidity
ego-driven philosophy

I'm tired already
he's not even that old
tired of your games and your
thinking you always get the
short end
of the stick
you
fucking
prick

but you
you do that thing you always have
with your in and out
behaviours of
maybe i'll be there if it suits me
or not

i know i left to avoid this
so why the fuck does it keep existing here in my
brain with thorns and daggers attached
every time i try to release you, you
just hit harder with your attack.

something else, a power trip
a way to control
as you always have
supposing nothings changed

supposing you might step it up
or one day
tire of your half ass dad
pretend act
ike you care so fucking much
telling me
i have no idea how close you are with
MY son

except for not paying support and leaving
him high and dry
on most occasions
for fighting against the things that matter most
being late at the bus stop
not engaging
...when he's asked you to

why does your kid need to be interactive in order
to care
for him
as a baby you spent no time
babies aren't worth your time?

no bus time or car time or efforts or wonderings
as far as i could tell u didn't
care
even when he was right in front of you
grandparents are glorious for diaper changes
middle of the night feedings
and wallowing in
your own misfortunes

you tell me i'm failing him
throw stones at first chance
pick apart
my raising him
assuming i've done something wrong
telling me that
my boy is messed

fuck you
and
your fucking accusations

WHO ARE YOU
to come along
you
have five percent
of his time
and somehow
some way
you've managed to figure
out that he's a "fragile"
boy who lies to you
only
and that's my fault
you fucking idiot

YOU have NO idea
clueless and
ignorant
only involved when it
appears the leg up
might be yours

Let me
let you
in on a little secret

Never
will i give up my son
give away his love
his time and presence
if you think he's fragile
its clear
you don't know him
at all

supposing this is all i
can say
to you
from this location
as to not hurt
my son
emotionally
to let it out
to save me from
wanting you
not alive

supposing i walked
away without you ever
knowing him
i still wish i had
you make me
wish i had

your manipulative ways
with my son
trying to fight for power

for his sake i walked away
that day
resisting your urges to stay

i thank my sister
my family
for their power
support
to help me walk away from
the hate

My son will learn
about the fuck
you are
from you
all on
your own

I was just trying to be nice, Unknowing Anything and Paranoia

Trying to find words for feeling lost
for feeling alone in a small world of atheists and
skeptics in a small town of believers of everything
that makes everyone feel good
trying to understand why others don't see what i see
why is this clear to me
and not the others
why are we alone in a town so small but a world so big
unallowed to use our voice in a way that might offend
so scared to say something wrong, for now
we have somehow offended
there will be no way of knowing
what our opinion, our choices, our thirst for knowledge
specifically has said
there's no way to ask, it's just not socially accepted
so fuck you, for making me feel unaccepted in this small town
for feeling smaller in this small town,
for never really welcoming us
we were always being judged
even though we didn't know it, or perhaps sort of did
fuck you because you think you you're better than me

Had i been here and you dropped in,
I would've welcomed you, allowed you in
helped you feel safe
to care or just to talk
i would've fucking been here
you are religious, supposed to be
supposed to not be
the mean vindictive one
but i've seen it, seen you, i know it's in you
I'm not real sorry for the words i've cast
I'm sorry they had to be said
If you can't be an adult and get past a difference
whatever it may be
than i've gone on too long and wasted too much time
on you

Discovering myself in feminism, humanism and the way i'm perceived...

Our views on certain things are different
and that's okay, you see
i'll still be there for you
like the way I thought you'd want to be there for me
why do you look at me like i am less human for
engaging in issues with which i do not agree
not everything about us is the same, i know
i just wonder why you look that way at me