i miss you...

Strange it's been
with you so far
and apart from our lives
unwanting or unwilling
or unsomething
us away

seemingly like you
aren't interested in having
connections with
your kids or your kids kids'

there was a time only fifteen
years or less ago when we
talked for hours
spent time at breakfast
discussing life, the whys
and whats and things
that interested us

but soon I
lost you
lost the closeness
and love you used to share
i used to feel like you wanted
me there
a girl, your girl of whom
you cared for
but not anymore

talking is basic
and simply unchallenged
conversations of daily
life musings of the norm
hows the weather
whats
fucking
new
this month
aaaaaaaa


what did i do
to lose you
your love, your caring for me
did i disrespect you
not care enough for you
cause you too much grief
grow up too much
to be close to me

i'm sad
this makes me sad but
not only for me
for mostly i feel
my children will never know

know him, his
true identity
love and caring
hugs and tears of
joy
intelligence and sensible
behaviours
like i know about mine

i know my grandpa
was kind and lovable
huggable and hugely
stomach-ed
always cared and read a lot
he was quiet but loving
and usually around

i'm not sure the grandbabies
will know you
the way i knew him
or maybe more sad that they will not
know you better than that

i know we live farther away
to make it easy
but what else do you have to do
what else do you have in your
life that is more important
than family...
there are many days i'd like to spend with you again

my heart aches some days
for the man i know when i was smaller
playing ball
talking plays and players
and people and life
spending time with you
i remember fondly days filled with care
and fun and laughs

breakfasts at the round table
watching Star Trek
together
because it was
always fun to connect with you
i tear up knowing your path
in life is with us at a
far distance like those
of neighbours

like paintings hung on a
wall might we be talked
about

maybe i'm wrong and your
love is strong but
tightly stored away
for something unknown
or only reserved for
people other than
me or him or her

i miss you

this addiction is okay!..?

how can anything be so strong
this pull
or need and desire
drawing all my senses
addiction it could be
laughingly we (doulas) all joke
about this obsession that
takes hold of our being

something we cannot live without
but draws so much from us
i yearn for another
to attend
be present in
watching life created
gives me energy and love
and its sucking me in

oh how i long for the satisfaction
it brings to others to have me there
to help birth mothers and view mothers births

passion versus addiction
loving that feeling
knowing my strength is
helping mothers find their strength

wishing i will find another mother soon