Tonight I realized...(Non-Poetic Post)

While I can't promise any of my particular posts are poetic as such, they speak to my feelings, raw in moments of emotional turmoil with non sentences.

This post has sentences.

Tonight struck me with a rather surprising epiphany and i wish I could say it came to me because of an inspirational and deeply thought provoking movie.  It didn't.  It was just fucking Batman.  Well, it was after i was pumped up on enough caffeine and movie inspiration that I could be completely off and i was running the dog in the park, not during the movie.  But, none-the-less, it runs from the excitement and inspiration from the movie.

As I threw the Frisbee for the dog, i felt strong again.  I remembered that all this while...over the past few months of discussion about being a surrogate and what that means giving up.  Essentially, it means we are committing to having no more of our own children.  We are, for all intent and purposes, done.

While I said it, i'm not sure i meant it.  Until now.  I am sure, certain and happy would feel completely comfortable with my partner going in tomorrow for surgery to cut it up. ;)   {He might not be...} But, I am happy with that answer because it will free me.

I love my children and am so happy i have them, i would never change those decisions for the world.  It is fucking tiring though.  Child rearing.  Wiping me clear of energy i never had to begin with.  And so, with that I feel good in moving forward to gaining a semblance of strength inside of me, finding the little lady, small activist-world saver that I once deemed myself to be.

I am letting go of the childbearing fog that holds me in a monotony.  Exiting the state of not being able to do anything else in the meantime.

This has been a pivotal day in the history of my 8 year fog.  I am breaking free.

I will not pretend this fog will be easy to slip out of, since i am not an energetic person and i'm still not sure if the caffeine high and lack of children are prompting me to this point however it feels right and tonight i'm going with it.

End of non-poetic post
Beginning of clarity

Inspiration Reigns

It didn't take much but a silly old
movie with heroes of men
heroes of women

basking in the glory that was tonight
realization struck
to my surprise

i haven't lost
she is here
and it IS time
to move from this fog
into the light
where the brightness brings clarity

like lighting it hit
as if there is no other way, it's time for me
to pave
endure the pain for future goals
the ones of past
to bring forth to the reality
of life i hold
now
now

now
scared of what this
all might mean
{scared that the influence of
caffeine
has molded
framing thoughts for minutes only}
instead of strong foundations
meant for building

doesn't matter much the things i do
for me
time will cease regardless

mattering of the things seen
by children
mine...
others...
right and wrong, peace and love, good and bad
struggles to manage, maintain, sustain
while persevering
for children i grow for tomorrow
to see
that
only that
is the matter for the things i do
show, fight, continuing on my plight
save a little bit of the world
through my life

time to move on, ever forward
managing the confusing, strangely peaceful time
where comfort is being busy as can be
to forget she
that girl
that was once me
tearing off the clothes and mask
social pressures and media
task
me with mountains high
to overcome
for the bit of me that I can do
save the world to make it better
if only for a few
My instinctual nature
to hit home
being the driving force
ensuring the seed i leave
continues on without me, without pain
or suffering
maybe rather
fulfilling my own perceptions of my own destiny