missing from far away

it's been so long
how can i say anything
that might bring
you home today
please whatever you
do
know that there is always
a solution to the madness that
is life
we can all help to find a
solution that is okay
for everyone, including you
please go home...
know you're loved
and we need you around
she needs your love
your guidance
your praise
please don't go and walk
away
because you're scared today
things will change and
life will change
and love will change
and it's OK
it will get better someday
maybe not now
or right away
but soon it will when you
let go of the control you
so desperately hold
who am i to say but your
friend from far away
i remember you
you
little and fun and funny
be here be with us
please don't go away
more than ever you're
challenged with more
we know
because we hear
I'll help you
we'll help you
well all help you
but for that you must stay
please go home

moments of time

time has taken hold of the girl i know
and in silence
noisy moments
of time and life
it all sometimes goes
by so
slow

i feel all trippy when these
moments sweep in
and i watch as my children
play and talk and speak with
such love and innocence
my mind cannot escape

not just my kids but
even conversations with people
who think they're great
professing greatness
time stood
still
and more and more
this happens to me like
I'm stepping outside my body
leaving to watch from some other
place and embrace this moment
for eternity

i can't help it
escape it
or walk away
i watch in amazement
draw in each breath slowly
in every moment as though it
was the last
so incredibly
full of wonderment and
complete perplexity for this
could be the first I've heard
of what you're telling me
or the last time i see

not sure what to call it
or how to explain
the hold it traps
in me so tight
there's no escape
as though my mind doesn't know
what to make of that moment

I'm not scared but calm and
almost on morphine soaking
and figuring and wondering
in slow motion

precariously hanging

We've had some fun
and laughed together...
but what if i told you
i don't believe in God
nope,...not at all
We've cried together
shit, you've even used my shoulder
for hugs
but what if i told you i
don't believe in pretend medicine
packaged in the alternative

We've discussed in length
about all our angst for the people
that drive us nuts
But what if you knew
or i told you
i support people equally
wholeheartedly
gays, bisexuals - anyone really
should be the same as me
by
law

You and I we've shared some secrets
things only you and i will know
But what if i told you that spirituality
means nothing
and the energy you speak of, does not exist
so no, i don't believe in faith, ghosts
or make believe
There are times when i reflect
great stories, bonding over common
occurrences in birth
but you never knew
and what if you did
i don't support spiritual feminism
because it undermines women's intelligence
and credibility?

What if i spread the word
shared on Internet spaces
to the world about my distaste
of things like anti-vax communicators
chiropractors pretending to
be doctors
and people who think they know
a lot because "it makes sense"
to them
feels good to them
like a shot of morphine to
accept nonsense blaming gov't
or big establishment
all the while forgetting
you are accepting
tales from the small who's now larger
than life
all the while
not realizing -  it's growth and greed
as though they're preaching
is scripture
or prescription
what would you do if you knew
about me.

i quietly sit with my
mouth sewn shut
when you tell me how ancient
wisdom helps you every day
should i quietly keep my opinions
in a safe
to save the friendship we have
today
why is it that if our friendship hangs
so precariously in on
this cliff
so that i may still call us friends
would you still like me the way
i am - if you knew?

Where'd you go?

There
or here
I stand alone
abandoned by close
friends
or friends I thought
were close
at least I have
family
my lover, so close
skeptical minds
running together in
streams of people
heading in the opposite direction
and all we do is try
to explain how to
understand
complexity of life
that most consider
unexplainable
can actually
truly completely
be explained
I don't want to
not be friends with
you
maybe
if you thought about it too
and did the
THOROUGH
research
you would see
all those things
that are clear to me
but not just I
it's science and
medicine and things
you have so much distrust
in
why?
why do you believe
what you believe
is it because your parents
taught you
is life to scary without
the imaginary
to calm
our soul
our brains
have you ever thought
that maybe you might be
wrong
i have, i am
a lot
i know i'm not always right
and would rather not let my
assumptions
choose my path
and decide my fate
wouldn't you rather know
the facts
and truth of what you're
Chosing for belief?
that's why i share
in hope
or with hope
that you might care
to know more
to learn more
and care to learn how to
teach yourself to
know the differences between
fact and fiction
and understand
just how
deceiving our brains can
be
and how those who market
to you are knowingly
taking your money
being unkind
with a mask of
nice words, feelings and
making you feel happy
inside...it feels good
doesn't it
This is just me
Not a rocket scientist
or surgeon
pharmacist
marketer
but i've read
i've listened
learned and am developing
my skills
in search of facts
beyond the scope
of random online posts
of bloggers and website owners
who put down pharmaceuticals
and then hypcritically'
sell shit on line
It's just me
trusting in science
skepticism
feminism
and
i think for myself

will this ever really happen?

Time passes on as i
sit here alone each day
waiting for that perfect person
somebody else
must be perfect for
here

Not us, just you
we are not meant to be here in this place
with these people
who frown upon our thoughts
and beliefs in this world

who are you
you perfect person just waiting
for your financier to say
it's okay
here's your cash
your dough and stash to take
and buy that place you'll love

funny little house
for it sits alone on a street
the only one of it's kind
silent and cute and special in
it's own special sort of ways

could it be that only we could like this place
small and sweet with a backyard retreat

I hear cackles bursting through my
windows
it breaks my thought and concentration to
hear it just one more time
my hair cringes and
i want to be rid of the people
who make this so hard
living here so incredibly difficult

wind whips around the house today
no cars or people have come to listen
to the blustery
sounds
among the trees of our street
or hear the sweet sound of rivers on my radio
nor have they come to view the flowers in
our garden...

i miss you...

Strange it's been
with you so far
and apart from our lives
unwanting or unwilling
or unsomething
us away

seemingly like you
aren't interested in having
connections with
your kids or your kids kids'

there was a time only fifteen
years or less ago when we
talked for hours
spent time at breakfast
discussing life, the whys
and whats and things
that interested us

but soon I
lost you
lost the closeness
and love you used to share
i used to feel like you wanted
me there
a girl, your girl of whom
you cared for
but not anymore

talking is basic
and simply unchallenged
conversations of daily
life musings of the norm
hows the weather
whats
fucking
new
this month
aaaaaaaa


what did i do
to lose you
your love, your caring for me
did i disrespect you
not care enough for you
cause you too much grief
grow up too much
to be close to me

i'm sad
this makes me sad but
not only for me
for mostly i feel
my children will never know

know him, his
true identity
love and caring
hugs and tears of
joy
intelligence and sensible
behaviours
like i know about mine

i know my grandpa
was kind and lovable
huggable and hugely
stomach-ed
always cared and read a lot
he was quiet but loving
and usually around

i'm not sure the grandbabies
will know you
the way i knew him
or maybe more sad that they will not
know you better than that

i know we live farther away
to make it easy
but what else do you have to do
what else do you have in your
life that is more important
than family...
there are many days i'd like to spend with you again

my heart aches some days
for the man i know when i was smaller
playing ball
talking plays and players
and people and life
spending time with you
i remember fondly days filled with care
and fun and laughs

breakfasts at the round table
watching Star Trek
together
because it was
always fun to connect with you
i tear up knowing your path
in life is with us at a
far distance like those
of neighbours

like paintings hung on a
wall might we be talked
about

maybe i'm wrong and your
love is strong but
tightly stored away
for something unknown
or only reserved for
people other than
me or him or her

i miss you

this addiction is okay!..?

how can anything be so strong
this pull
or need and desire
drawing all my senses
addiction it could be
laughingly we (doulas) all joke
about this obsession that
takes hold of our being

something we cannot live without
but draws so much from us
i yearn for another
to attend
be present in
watching life created
gives me energy and love
and its sucking me in

oh how i long for the satisfaction
it brings to others to have me there
to help birth mothers and view mothers births

passion versus addiction
loving that feeling
knowing my strength is
helping mothers find their strength

wishing i will find another mother soon