i'm scared of life

we live our formative years
in ignorance of facts and truths
thinking of Santa, elves and reindeer
tooth fairies
other make-believe characters

not knowing about the complexities
of life for years
leaving fairy tales behind
embracing facts
having children
growing older, taking responsibilities
of life on

the visuals of death surround
us at levels in conceived before
people i love so close
people i love so far
too far away to do anything
too close in connection
fear closes in on my heart
growing weary of not knowing
which day will take my last breath

or she will hers
he might his
worry takes hold of my thoughts
becoming irrational
from once was rational
or not
just young
and inconceivable
wishing thoughts of sadness
possibilities of death to subside
maybe when I'm old
or older
or dead

partner not afraid to die?
how can that be when this life
is all we have
all
we
have?!!
maybe time and elderly
feelings will get the better
of me..
until that time, i dream of dreams
unwanted
fears envisioned, certainly unwarranted
too hard to push away
my mothers craziness
and irrationality settles into my
heart and i know now
how she felt
how she feels
just don't let them go before me
whatever happens
tears swell..so unrealistic
yet completely imaginable
why

scared to live for fear of death
grabbing hold of my very breath

walking to rainbows

making moves of slight
difference
difficult beyond our
current knowledge and stress
it wouldn't be us if
we didn't keep making moves
to enhance financial gains
just as steps are taken
loads lessen
yet roads get bumpier and
more challenging
in ways beyond knowledge of
known passing
routes are blocked
working hard, not mattering
working tired and tired
of working but
still going and needing breaks
waiting for the glimmer of
hope
times when walking slowly
uphill is not our daily battlerainbows in distances
seemingly close
farther the closer you
think you're getting

missing from far away

it's been so long
how can i say anything
that might bring
you home today
please whatever you
do
know that there is always
a solution to the madness that
is life
we can all help to find a
solution that is okay
for everyone, including you
please go home...
know you're loved
and we need you around
she needs your love
your guidance
your praise
please don't go and walk
away
because you're scared today
things will change and
life will change
and love will change
and it's OK
it will get better someday
maybe not now
or right away
but soon it will when you
let go of the control you
so desperately hold
who am i to say but your
friend from far away
i remember you
you
little and fun and funny
be here be with us
please don't go away
more than ever you're
challenged with more
we know
because we hear
I'll help you
we'll help you
well all help you
but for that you must stay
please go home

moments of time

time has taken hold of the girl i know
and in silence
noisy moments
of time and life
it all sometimes goes
by so
slow

i feel all trippy when these
moments sweep in
and i watch as my children
play and talk and speak with
such love and innocence
my mind cannot escape

not just my kids but
even conversations with people
who think they're great
professing greatness
time stood
still
and more and more
this happens to me like
I'm stepping outside my body
leaving to watch from some other
place and embrace this moment
for eternity

i can't help it
escape it
or walk away
i watch in amazement
draw in each breath slowly
in every moment as though it
was the last
so incredibly
full of wonderment and
complete perplexity for this
could be the first I've heard
of what you're telling me
or the last time i see

not sure what to call it
or how to explain
the hold it traps
in me so tight
there's no escape
as though my mind doesn't know
what to make of that moment

I'm not scared but calm and
almost on morphine soaking
and figuring and wondering
in slow motion

precariously hanging

We've had some fun
and laughed together...
but what if i told you
i don't believe in God
nope,...not at all
We've cried together
shit, you've even used my shoulder
for hugs
but what if i told you i
don't believe in pretend medicine
packaged in the alternative

We've discussed in length
about all our angst for the people
that drive us nuts
But what if you knew
or i told you
i support people equally
wholeheartedly
gays, bisexuals - anyone really
should be the same as me
by
law

You and I we've shared some secrets
things only you and i will know
But what if i told you that spirituality
means nothing
and the energy you speak of, does not exist
so no, i don't believe in faith, ghosts
or make believe
There are times when i reflect
great stories, bonding over common
occurrences in birth
but you never knew
and what if you did
i don't support spiritual feminism
because it undermines women's intelligence
and credibility?

What if i spread the word
shared on Internet spaces
to the world about my distaste
of things like anti-vax communicators
chiropractors pretending to
be doctors
and people who think they know
a lot because "it makes sense"
to them
feels good to them
like a shot of morphine to
accept nonsense blaming gov't
or big establishment
all the while forgetting
you are accepting
tales from the small who's now larger
than life
all the while
not realizing -  it's growth and greed
as though they're preaching
is scripture
or prescription
what would you do if you knew
about me.

i quietly sit with my
mouth sewn shut
when you tell me how ancient
wisdom helps you every day
should i quietly keep my opinions
in a safe
to save the friendship we have
today
why is it that if our friendship hangs
so precariously in on
this cliff
so that i may still call us friends
would you still like me the way
i am - if you knew?

Where'd you go?

There
or here
I stand alone
abandoned by close
friends
or friends I thought
were close
at least I have
family
my lover, so close
skeptical minds
running together in
streams of people
heading in the opposite direction
and all we do is try
to explain how to
understand
complexity of life
that most consider
unexplainable
can actually
truly completely
be explained
I don't want to
not be friends with
you
maybe
if you thought about it too
and did the
THOROUGH
research
you would see
all those things
that are clear to me
but not just I
it's science and
medicine and things
you have so much distrust
in
why?
why do you believe
what you believe
is it because your parents
taught you
is life to scary without
the imaginary
to calm
our soul
our brains
have you ever thought
that maybe you might be
wrong
i have, i am
a lot
i know i'm not always right
and would rather not let my
assumptions
choose my path
and decide my fate
wouldn't you rather know
the facts
and truth of what you're
Chosing for belief?
that's why i share
in hope
or with hope
that you might care
to know more
to learn more
and care to learn how to
teach yourself to
know the differences between
fact and fiction
and understand
just how
deceiving our brains can
be
and how those who market
to you are knowingly
taking your money
being unkind
with a mask of
nice words, feelings and
making you feel happy
inside...it feels good
doesn't it
This is just me
Not a rocket scientist
or surgeon
pharmacist
marketer
but i've read
i've listened
learned and am developing
my skills
in search of facts
beyond the scope
of random online posts
of bloggers and website owners
who put down pharmaceuticals
and then hypcritically'
sell shit on line
It's just me
trusting in science
skepticism
feminism
and
i think for myself

will this ever really happen?

Time passes on as i
sit here alone each day
waiting for that perfect person
somebody else
must be perfect for
here

Not us, just you
we are not meant to be here in this place
with these people
who frown upon our thoughts
and beliefs in this world

who are you
you perfect person just waiting
for your financier to say
it's okay
here's your cash
your dough and stash to take
and buy that place you'll love

funny little house
for it sits alone on a street
the only one of it's kind
silent and cute and special in
it's own special sort of ways

could it be that only we could like this place
small and sweet with a backyard retreat

I hear cackles bursting through my
windows
it breaks my thought and concentration to
hear it just one more time
my hair cringes and
i want to be rid of the people
who make this so hard
living here so incredibly difficult

wind whips around the house today
no cars or people have come to listen
to the blustery
sounds
among the trees of our street
or hear the sweet sound of rivers on my radio
nor have they come to view the flowers in
our garden...