son

sharing all my thoughts
of hope and
love
from years beyond the scope
of reason
because surely things
will change
know your home
know your safe
always with us
no matter what
we will be here for
you
in life
in hearts and death
to come
know you're loved
whenever we
think of you
or thoughts of us
do brew

you are so ingrained
a part of me
a large portion of who i
am is so much because of
you

my brave and strong
young boy
that no one sees
that's you
you will have thoughts
and challenges seemingly
insurmountable, i know
remember that choices
are yours to make
only
you can make the change to
move forward your
life journey
to make it great

never lose your compassion
the beautiful caring love
you share in hugs of
early childhood
please don't let go
it's one of the most
beautiful visions of
your character

i'm so lucky as i watch you
play
soccer or using your
imagination
many different ways outside
in the backyard
most won't see your
resilience and although you
struggle with some changes
in honesty
you have this ability
to roll with the punches
at least the big ones
you embrace
so incredibly

a thoughtful young
man
who will sit and contemplate
many a time
the different
wonderful and not so
sides of life
remember to take many
of those moments
breathe
love life, enjoy it
remember how lucky we are to share
this time together
to live together
in this life
experiencing it with
you
me
us
we are so fortunate
to have you with
us
in our family journey
without you
i'm not sure of who
i'd be
loving you is such a apart of
me
remember the fabulous times
and be happy for them
because those are the moments
that matter
don't be sad for too long
be happy we love
have love
love to be loved
in life long
dreams down roads
of stone bumps and
bruises
know that we're
always here with you
to help you along the way
our family door is always
open and welcoming
you home
no matter who you are
and what you do
we will always
have love in our hearts
for you
my son
my brilliant shining star

daughter

Strikingly fast time
has passed
thinking hard about all
the lessons you need to know
and learn from me
before time goes
away completely

wanting you to know
how timeless are the times
when
i watched you sleep
not so creepily but beautifully
and peacefully
breathe
gazed often in amazement
at your lust and energy
for life

the laughter you've brought us
from just weeks after
your beautiful birth
that smile, so infectious

Taking all your precious
qualities
so innocent and brave
please keep them close
don't lose yourself
love yourself, like I love you
from the inside out
challenges will surely come
and
go
in the throws of life
so trivial though
in hindsight
you will see
time will help you see
how you can overcome
greatest odds

intellectual challenges
will surface around
corners unseen
choices are yours
even if they suck
you always have a choice
to move yourself
forward

I watch and wait for you
to grow
hoping to stop you

mid-way through
you
slow down and wait with
me a while
while i catch my breath

what i tell you today
doesn't really matter
because you will learn
and develop your own
life
perspectives
for the most part.

Know that we care
whoever you are
whatever you do
we will be here for you
for you to hug
feel safe
feel loved
no matter what
no judgement will
lay at the door
of your family.

It probably really hurt...

I've been wanting to write this for a while sorry it's taken so long...

i was mad
I'm sure
you were too
we said some things that
i know i didn't mean
i remember what i said though
years later only
i realize
what that might have meant

to you

our bond, we share
runs so deep
I'm sad 
here
as i fail to let go of
what i said so long ago

"i would be a better mother than you"
that somehow you might
"not be a good mother
to your only
kids"
"i would save them from you
with visits from me"
and
so
with that

I'm so sorry

time has passed
and i have learned so much
learned that i was wrong
wrong to say what i said
it was mean
and i was young and i was
mean in saying
what i said to you
that day, those days

it might not mean a lot
twenty odd years have passed
still feeling it
and feel horrible for it 
coursing through me
are pains of regret

how can i
now
show you how wonderful you are
how many a day i listen
to you raise your beautiful daughter
and wish i could summon the patience
you so brilliantly share with
her

sitting here
thinking of you
your mothering
caring
kind and gentle ways
knowing your daughter
couldn't ever have
a better woman to admire
strong and loving
determined and soft
and so
intelligently opinionated
but only when you need to be
i admire you so immensely

a
mother
such a good mother
one i long to sometimes be
i hope you know
how much you mean to
me

i am so
sorry
i want to erase those words
from memories of past
perhaps you have
already
unable to
myself
i write to you and beg
for forgiveness undeserved

surviving social awkwardness

feeling
as though being "social"
becomes insurmountable
a mountain never attainable
not able
to climb


it's not
okay to show
depict
display one's
true self because
no one wants to know
if you're not always
feeling happy and
positive
about life
or everything


can't imagine others'
lives are so filled with
joy
speaking about pain
and negative feelings
leaves others not
wanting
to befriend
"don't want to talk
to you if it's
not happy
and if it's about
me
not you"


never having been
at the height
popularity
always hanging
somewhere down
below
based on social
norms
including such
constraints as
geekiness
awkwardly
speaking to
people
and never
really knowing the right thing to say
always being on different
pages of planets
unknown to others


in own worlds of space
perhaps there is
a space for me
for people like
me
are there people
like me?


so scared to be
myself
it hasn't worked so far
and so far
its only hurt my heart


it aches trying to
figure out this
complicated mess of
social expectedness
negativity
versus correctness
against norms
towing party lines
of black and
white and always
hearing the  
musings
sayings
bullshit
lines justify their
okay-ness
for me to be different
from them
as they walk backwards
from our conversations


lost in a world so deeply
filled with expectations of
agreeable behaviours


wanting so badly to
be myself but un-allowed
to be
scared to be


so i sit
quiet in rage
silent in thought
heart in hand
wondering which path
i can be safely opinionated
on

She sings and colours...

Her innocence is still so raw
and beautiful
as she sits and colours so intensely
singing and making sounds depicting
spiderman

almost all in the lines
so specific and precise
her face as young as the new
fallen snow just outside
our window

hair is tossed and slightly
knotty as she sports her Tink
nightgown with bright
pink
soft and cozy socks
picking all the crayons out of
the
box
shoving back in the ones
that haven't been chosen to
colour her masterpeice.

so innocent and brave
speaking all the words that
venture to and from her thoughts
never really scared or
faltering from her
intentions

unknowing of all things
scary
this world
will
offer her

my mind wonders of the beauty
and love she could bring
to our planet
forgoing every influence
and challenge she will face
in
life

be still my love
be you
my dear
my caring
young innocent
child

choice is not choice when your forced to choose one choice

a battered body
without money and often
desperate
its not a choice when you're
starving to live, it's all you can do
to stay alive while being
raped and abused by men
around the world
visiting because they know what they'll
get when they visit you

a chance to penetrate
the will of yet another battered woman
do what he wants to her
with what he thinks is consent because
he's paying "her"
he "thinks" he's paying her
pimps getting paid through
these woman's orifices

so unjust is our world
with all we know to take such
advantage of women
to put them
down
to the ground, to not respect
beautiful creatures who make your young
who create your world

with all your knowledge and humanism
you strive or pretend to strive for
how can you allow such disgusting behaviour
to continue

turning a blind eye because
police, and judges are being paid
to look the other way
because men get paid
a lot

the man
who keeps putting her there
in that bloody pool
in that threat of death
in that misogynistic
wrath
that so disgusts me

it is not a choice
it was not her choice
it was NOT HER choice
NOT HER choice
NOT a CHOICE

she has no choice

aggression...apathy...guilt

Building of machines of
hate
anger
aggression, killing people
walking through the tunnels that
create these
monsters of destruction

watching imaginary figures being
blown to
smitherines by these machines
trying to convince myself every day
of the peacekeeping they're doing

what will stop these aggressive beasts
but women
of power, maybe
can I delude myself sufficiently to
think that maybe women would
make the difference and create peace?

power is a tricky devil
of destruction in itself killing the
brilliant mind that may be behind

if i were there
and
not here, it wouldn't be so
easy
would it?
to hide behind this guilty border of death
to pretend i am not to blame

me
a woman taking money from a company
that will kill and sells to enemies
friends
abroad

i am ashamed and yet excuse it because
i don't see the death on my doorstep
every morning
whilst preparing
for work
needing the money

so sorry, so sorry
many more dead
i'm so sorry