i miss you...

Strange it's been
with you so far
and apart from our lives
unwanting or unwilling
or unsomething
us away

seemingly like you
aren't interested in having
connections with
your kids or your kids kids'

there was a time only fifteen
years or less ago when we
talked for hours
spent time at breakfast
discussing life, the whys
and whats and things
that interested us

but soon I
lost you
lost the closeness
and love you used to share
i used to feel like you wanted
me there
a girl, your girl of whom
you cared for
but not anymore

talking is basic
and simply unchallenged
conversations of daily
life musings of the norm
hows the weather
whats
fucking
new
this month
aaaaaaaa


what did i do
to lose you
your love, your caring for me
did i disrespect you
not care enough for you
cause you too much grief
grow up too much
to be close to me

i'm sad
this makes me sad but
not only for me
for mostly i feel
my children will never know

know him, his
true identity
love and caring
hugs and tears of
joy
intelligence and sensible
behaviours
like i know about mine

i know my grandpa
was kind and lovable
huggable and hugely
stomach-ed
always cared and read a lot
he was quiet but loving
and usually around

i'm not sure the grandbabies
will know you
the way i knew him
or maybe more sad that they will not
know you better than that

i know we live farther away
to make it easy
but what else do you have to do
what else do you have in your
life that is more important
than family...
there are many days i'd like to spend with you again

my heart aches some days
for the man i know when i was smaller
playing ball
talking plays and players
and people and life
spending time with you
i remember fondly days filled with care
and fun and laughs

breakfasts at the round table
watching Star Trek
together
because it was
always fun to connect with you
i tear up knowing your path
in life is with us at a
far distance like those
of neighbours

like paintings hung on a
wall might we be talked
about

maybe i'm wrong and your
love is strong but
tightly stored away
for something unknown
or only reserved for
people other than
me or him or her

i miss you

this addiction is okay!..?

how can anything be so strong
this pull
or need and desire
drawing all my senses
addiction it could be
laughingly we (doulas) all joke
about this obsession that
takes hold of our being

something we cannot live without
but draws so much from us
i yearn for another
to attend
be present in
watching life created
gives me energy and love
and its sucking me in

oh how i long for the satisfaction
it brings to others to have me there
to help birth mothers and view mothers births

passion versus addiction
loving that feeling
knowing my strength is
helping mothers find their strength

wishing i will find another mother soon

There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

There's no doubt, and most mommy-daddy websites will tell us about the crap
we have to deal with as we say goodbye to our past selves and hello to child-rearing
and working our asses off to have a mediocre living with our kids.  But, even though in
over hearing the musings of the childless behind a cubicle "wall ", I honestly feel while we
work hard, struggle financially and probably won't travel around the world, there are many
bits of joy in this Shit.

There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

I'm bloody goddamn tired
and you walk into our room
stand in front of me with your blue
eyes and insist on waking
the dead

I see you smile
I cringe and feel surges of anger
thump through my body
but that smile
radiating such joy
beyond words
challenges the aching
i feel
again, i rise
before daylight
has struck.

rushing at the break of
dawn to prepare lunches
and snacks
clothes for extra wear
because we know you will
"accidentally" soil that pair

pushing us to the brink
after multiple upon
multiple askings to put shoes
on and prepare to leave
anger takes hold
but then
you
look at me and say
please Mommy, just sit and read a book
with me
time melts away
ceasing to exist
I sit and enjoy a moment
of life
where sponges are obvious
obviously soaking in their surroundings
and so too, will i

together, your dad and I
watching you struggle
from high slides
to learning to combine letters
making sounds
forming words
being privy to your successes
is worth more than
people pay for gold

years have passed
six so far and I have
lived in a fog that holds tight
my days and nights
although i dream of days
where i can do as i please
again
i hold strong to the fog
because these are the best
years of innocence
feelings and amazement's
facial expressions
i hope to never
forget
these are times
and as hard (and fuck they're hard)
as they are
these are the times where the
intensity of the sleepless nights
hanging precariously on the cliff
of exhaustion
meets the peak of joy

in this SHIT, there is joy
so deep it
propels us to continue
embracing us

any day, i would take this SHIT for the joy it brings

raising my emotions

{Hugs to you}


Taking a deep breath is
so hard to do
when my mind is all
wrapped up in
musings that are
impossible to
control


I need to let go
for those
thoughts to
lose
their momentum
of frustration


if for a moment to
let myself
cry
because i can
and I'm a woman
who needs to
have that
release
to move forward


I carry a heavy burden
to which my emotions
tell me so
not being able to control
this thing
this
something heavy
heavy and
incredibly
difficult


how can i let go
and lose control
the way i
think
i
need to be?


Deep breaths i
take to drown
my lungs with patience
scarce as it
seems it is
within me
i have it
to be patient and
deal softly with
the elements of life
i find so challenging


breath
and time will
be
my light at the
end of this trying
tunnel


deep
sighs of
relief
please take me
away from this place

waiting on Thursday

becoming so entrenched in this
i am so tired i can't see
can't see the pain you feel

i know i should
knowing you would
would try to be as caring as
you could
i can't
feeling stuck and pulled down into
the water
wanting to drown
its hurting to stay above
almost every moment hurts to
continue and know
tomorrow will be the same as today
until Thursday

what the hell does this say about
me
what kind of person would i be
i care, i love, i really do
i know that you can't do anything
but be, right now in this place
where you'd rather be anywhere
else

i remind myself, knowingly of all
the reasons
it still doesn't stop this hardness
feeling so helpless
with so much that needs to be done
and nothing we can do
but wait for Thursday and hope
things get better soon

i love you so much
I'm so sorry i feel this way
and want to take it away but
I'm tired
and i can't
i must feel to move on
with tomorrow
and try desperately to
embrace the new day

son

sharing all my thoughts
of hope and
love
from years beyond the scope
of reason
because surely things
will change
know your home
know your safe
always with us
no matter what
we will be here for
you
in life
in hearts and death
to come
know you're loved
whenever we
think of you
or thoughts of us
do brew

you are so ingrained
a part of me
a large portion of who i
am is so much because of
you

my brave and strong
young boy
that no one sees
that's you
you will have thoughts
and challenges seemingly
insurmountable, i know
remember that choices
are yours to make
only
you can make the change to
move forward your
life journey
to make it great

never lose your compassion
the beautiful caring love
you share in hugs of
early childhood
please don't let go
it's one of the most
beautiful visions of
your character

i'm so lucky as i watch you
play
soccer or using your
imagination
many different ways outside
in the backyard
most won't see your
resilience and although you
struggle with some changes
in honesty
you have this ability
to roll with the punches
at least the big ones
you embrace
so incredibly

a thoughtful young
man
who will sit and contemplate
many a time
the different
wonderful and not so
sides of life
remember to take many
of those moments
breathe
love life, enjoy it
remember how lucky we are to share
this time together
to live together
in this life
experiencing it with
you
me
us
we are so fortunate
to have you with
us
in our family journey
without you
i'm not sure of who
i'd be
loving you is such a apart of
me
remember the fabulous times
and be happy for them
because those are the moments
that matter
don't be sad for too long
be happy we love
have love
love to be loved
in life long
dreams down roads
of stone bumps and
bruises
know that we're
always here with you
to help you along the way
our family door is always
open and welcoming
you home
no matter who you are
and what you do
we will always
have love in our hearts
for you
my son
my brilliant shining star

daughter

Strikingly fast time
has passed
thinking hard about all
the lessons you need to know
and learn from me
before time goes
away completely

wanting you to know
how timeless are the times
when
i watched you sleep
not so creepily but beautifully
and peacefully
breathe
gazed often in amazement
at your lust and energy
for life

the laughter you've brought us
from just weeks after
your beautiful birth
that smile, so infectious

Taking all your precious
qualities
so innocent and brave
please keep them close
don't lose yourself
love yourself, like I love you
from the inside out
challenges will surely come
and
go
in the throws of life
so trivial though
in hindsight
you will see
time will help you see
how you can overcome
greatest odds

intellectual challenges
will surface around
corners unseen
choices are yours
even if they suck
you always have a choice
to move yourself
forward

I watch and wait for you
to grow
hoping to stop you

mid-way through
you
slow down and wait with
me a while
while i catch my breath

what i tell you today
doesn't really matter
because you will learn
and develop your own
life
perspectives
for the most part.

Know that we care
whoever you are
whatever you do
we will be here for you
for you to hug
feel safe
feel loved
no matter what
no judgement will
lay at the door
of your family.