Behind the curtains curtains...

I've struggled all my life
with feelings of inadequacy but only in certain moments of life
where i meet unknown
where i am accepted, i am strong
willed
loud
powerful, i try to be
every time i tip toe into
deep waters of new territory
there's struggle of learning
where fitting in might be
nervous and shy
paranoid and terrified of what
others might think of me
have i opened up too much
not enough
there always seems to be a wall up
for most that won't accept
or let me feel free to express myself

the others, like me
seem open
and the others others have opened freely to them as such
but not to me
qualities not exuded from me
put people on edge, i think
me
sitting back, listening, figuring
out
scared of thoughts in their heads
how do they feel about me
likely thinking about shy girl
not a  priority
dealing with lifes' challenges and own
situations has people's thoughts set adrift
but
fuck
here i sit, scared as shit
feeling alone and unwanted, unasked
and different from all the rest
no one has said anything to lead me to believe
just uninvited
behind a wall of curtains curtains
shielding me from becoming more
until they ask for something more
until I'm freed from
the drape of insecurity
that blocks feelings of trust
friendships from blooming
and life from living
i just can't come out though
until the invitation has been given
too much hurt has been there
lies have been there
too much pain has settled
behind those sheers of armour
protection from words of
daggers whispered in
secret conversations
i wait
until someone opens the door to my fears
and invites me in to theirs
i wait

back to me

splish splashing about in my half nakedness
two others unknown watching from
warm spaces
indulging here i am
in glory, guilty happiness
quickly fleeting as time passes
wishing this space in time would
not cease to exist here i already
sit so
far away from that moment
away from that time of floaty
freeing, moving about like
dolphins in movies
splashing, whale like
no doubt
cares behind me
momentarily while i'm
free for a moment
while my body forgets who i am now
my mind drifts through waves of
wanting to remember this moment
remembering moments past when
splish sploshing, being free
of weighted children
pulling at my sense of gravity
or buoyancy
up and down through waters warm
head standing, eyes open not really
seeing anything
propelling through the water like
bullets from guns
i am so fast and light and lovely
swimmingly forgetting me
longing for time to cease and hold
me in these moments forever
broken is time in chunks
passing quickly
without control, in losing control
in losing pieces of self along the
way
in this moment i breathe in
feeling free, remembering
i must come
back to me
eventually

The Rock, in my journey...

You
are amazing
always there
present
willing to
lend hands of any
work
as much as necessary
never impeding
always
gently offering
bringing support
love
kindness

strong with a
bold personality
not shy
always feel comfortable
so lucky to have
you
to have had you in
my life

a privileged life
i see some lead
but i
SO much so
with having you here
at my side as
i
need
require
hugs or tears
laughs
there have been
so many at your side
by your side
in your home
over time and
with time on our heels
needing you to
know how incredibly
much
YOU
meant to me
mean to me

not many
not any others have
been listeners
the way you have
with your nonjudgmental
ways
kindness and comfort
i feel trust in you
i open to you
can't say that
has happened with
other kin like you

calmness
love
beauty i adore
hero
a look up to woman
who i always wanted
to
be likened to
persevering like
no other, with quick wit
and strong roots
like trees
laughing
crying
shit jokes at sleepovers
more laughing
until we
were crying
there is no other like you
so fortunate
i am
thanking you

Success is in me

succeeding
CAN
be whatever you want
it to be for you
it can mean
you've tried everything
at every angle and know
that you have
placed 100 percent of
your efforts in the right place
for you
right now
today
it can mean stopping
continuing
persevering
existing
even just giving into
smiling
and appreciating
when so much
of your emotions don't
want you to
its feeling confident
in decisions
loving the woman who is you
being proud of how far you've come
turning your head around to
look back along the road you've
travelled and realize
shit
i really have climbed so
high
walked so far
so i am OK
to feel successful

weighting games

i've spent recent years
thinking about the fat
that is all around me

the uncomfortableness of the
belly and the rings that don't
fit on married fingers

missing them i often can
feel the heaviness
the puffiness
i so want to be free
of this hold that
has taken within me
feelings so strong
influencing my choices
to eat things i don't want to

i know what will happen
knowing I'll grow again
and more
bigger and harder to
breath
and run
and play with my kids
it hurts
the knees

but this struggle so difficult
for fucking life
up and down
clothes fitting than not
as i close the zipper
to very large pairs of
pants

forever this challenge will
hold my choices hostage
and force me to consume
things i'd rather not
and not allow me the pleasure
of things so many others
will continue to
indulge so freely
substantially
fucking everywhere

the smells of fat
sugar
blubber
can't be free of feelings
of failure
ugliness trappings
of insecurity wrapped in
licorice
dipped in chocolate
so i will continue to eat more
to feel better without feeling better

so fucking hard
addiction to kick
worse than anything i've had
to endure
it's sticks
for life i must choose
a better way for my children
for me to play
to live
love
be
just so fucking hard

walking a road to change

describing in detail
the likes of poverty i saw yesterday
to my seven year old
today
explaining the difference
city life
growth that will inevitably
seep in to his mind
like ivy growing up sides of
houses
every day we walk the streets
near our house we
won't escape it or not know
existence of the poor
life challenged individuals
all with many stories
we will not hide
instead
learn to help and understand
reasoning currently
incomprehensible
he's afraid of change and moving
again
afraid to try to make new friends
its hard
he's worked hard
being sensitive and quiet
finding friends is difficult
for people like us
i kept explaining the different world
where the park is right outside our
front door
libraries await only just down the street
can i just wake up and go to play
he asked
to which my reply was
no way
here or there you must wait
for us to be there with you
everything is close
there are buses
lots of people
schools next to stadiums
amongst the list of things cool
smiling he begins to
think of the differences he
can make
living in diverse arrangements
brings a whole new
life for him
we
while working hard to stay
employed
above poverty lines and financially stricken
taking risks moving from
village to village
at least there is the knowledge
that he will experience the many
ways in which people live
understand the differences
people have
and know that it's okay
perhaps
here
will be help for him
to see
its okay to be who you are
because everyone is different
and that's okay here
more acceptance
surprisingly in places
unknown

sleeping man

A man sleeps
against a wall on the ground
in an entrance to the parking
garage
me watching from afar
a man sits cross legged on
the sidewalk
banging his half mitt-ed
hands against his thighs
as he makes music
in his head
while his other bearded
friend stands slightly
to his side
ignoring all that he has said
staring blankly to the
road as though
the six people around
weren't actually
present in his time
as though also in a world
all my own, i move on
forward
with my business, busyness
different levels of living
as thought in parallel
universes we pass on
the streets
never to meet
maybe he was tired and needed
to lie down
maybe that's his bed
so hard and bright and dark
at night
with many people watching
judging
observing as i did today
thinking about this man who
lay
as i lay
on pillows fluffy and blankets
heavy
wondering why privilege has
left me distant
afraid
conditioned to ignore