Tonight I realized...(Non-Poetic Post)

While I can't promise any of my particular posts are poetic as such, they speak to my feelings, raw in moments of emotional turmoil with non sentences.

This post has sentences.

Tonight struck me with a rather surprising epiphany and i wish I could say it came to me because of an inspirational and deeply thought provoking movie.  It didn't.  It was just fucking Batman.  Well, it was after i was pumped up on enough caffeine and movie inspiration that I could be completely off and i was running the dog in the park, not during the movie.  But, none-the-less, it runs from the excitement and inspiration from the movie.

As I threw the Frisbee for the dog, i felt strong again.  I remembered that all this while...over the past few months of discussion about being a surrogate and what that means giving up.  Essentially, it means we are committing to having no more of our own children.  We are, for all intent and purposes, done.

While I said it, i'm not sure i meant it.  Until now.  I am sure, certain and happy would feel completely comfortable with my partner going in tomorrow for surgery to cut it up. ;)   {He might not be...} But, I am happy with that answer because it will free me.

I love my children and am so happy i have them, i would never change those decisions for the world.  It is fucking tiring though.  Child rearing.  Wiping me clear of energy i never had to begin with.  And so, with that I feel good in moving forward to gaining a semblance of strength inside of me, finding the little lady, small activist-world saver that I once deemed myself to be.

I am letting go of the childbearing fog that holds me in a monotony.  Exiting the state of not being able to do anything else in the meantime.

This has been a pivotal day in the history of my 8 year fog.  I am breaking free.

I will not pretend this fog will be easy to slip out of, since i am not an energetic person and i'm still not sure if the caffeine high and lack of children are prompting me to this point however it feels right and tonight i'm going with it.

End of non-poetic post
Beginning of clarity

Inspiration Reigns

It didn't take much but a silly old
movie with heroes of men
heroes of women

basking in the glory that was tonight
realization struck
to my surprise

i haven't lost
she is here
and it IS time
to move from this fog
into the light
where the brightness brings clarity

like lighting it hit
as if there is no other way, it's time for me
to pave
endure the pain for future goals
the ones of past
to bring forth to the reality
of life i hold
now
now

now
scared of what this
all might mean
{scared that the influence of
caffeine
has molded
framing thoughts for minutes only}
instead of strong foundations
meant for building

doesn't matter much the things i do
for me
time will cease regardless

mattering of the things seen
by children
mine...
others...
right and wrong, peace and love, good and bad
struggles to manage, maintain, sustain
while persevering
for children i grow for tomorrow
to see
that
only that
is the matter for the things i do
show, fight, continuing on my plight
save a little bit of the world
through my life

time to move on, ever forward
managing the confusing, strangely peaceful time
where comfort is being busy as can be
to forget she
that girl
that was once me
tearing off the clothes and mask
social pressures and media
task
me with mountains high
to overcome
for the bit of me that I can do
save the world to make it better
if only for a few
My instinctual nature
to hit home
being the driving force
ensuring the seed i leave
continues on without me, without pain
or suffering
maybe rather
fulfilling my own perceptions of my own destiny

Excuse me a moment, while i throw up in your face...(this one is a train wreck, it will be difficult not to look - but if you are squeamish you may want to steer clear)

F-ity F-words, and bastardy others
to which would describe the ongoing frustration that
is the complete and utter FUCK you are
oh yeah
i remember you and you know me
all too familiar are the sounds that emanate from your
hole
consistently failing
barely getting by
why don't you take a fucking moment
and let go of the joints
that reap your funds clean from
the hands of your son

just going to say it
fucking fucker

fucking sucker; is what must be
written ALL over me with
spray paint
and a hint of feeling violated
screaming through my veins
pumping hot with anger

at first heard
figuring...humph it figures
and giving up on trying to maintain funds
for my son...momentarily
of course

{god damned fucking fucker}

now though, it's settling under the skin
and seeping into the veins within
coarsing with daggers
needles sharp

the douchebag jokes and laughs with me
as if
as though, it's fucking funny
"you're not going to like this
what i have to tell you, i've been hanging
on so long as to not upset you...lol".

LOL???
oh.. why then, "fucking thank you"
for sparing me the hatred for you
until now...

he fights the second wife for custody
battling for minimal support
payments
to children to which he's knowingly
wantingly conceived
asks me
"i'm not a bad father am i?"
a multi-tude of times over text


{i know he's stoned again...}

absolutely you are
you fucking prick
for eight years you bust your ass to
not be FORCED pay the bare minimum
and complain for something less
fuck, why should you be forced to pay at all?
to hell with it
why should you be forced to take...
responsibility?!

here you are at the cusp
of his little beginnings of greatness
where more could mean learning
arts, creativeness expanding his physical realm
and you want to scale back the meager
contributions
monetarily and accessibly

{selfish}


eight years i've taken ALL
responsibility
husband now, takes on more in a day
than you ever have
ever will


this is your legacy
coming up short time and again
why are there niceties
but for the sanity of my son
i mask this hatred
the horrible taste on my tongue
as i write this and would like for
you to disappear

ask me again you incredibly 
poor choice-d
lame ass piece of shit
ASK
if you are a good parent
or a parent at all...


i dare you


{FUCKER}

I have some crazy audacity...

Bloody hell this won't leave me...
____________________________

I have some crazy audacity...

i suppose i do
and it's likely mostly true
as i kick ass through

to find the the girl i lost years ago

most days i tire from the monotony
i feel mad and sad
emotional and scarred
working through feelings of
inadequacy, paranoia and mistrust
knowingly alone in most of it

perhaps i am an arrogant
something
with blatant disregard for others feelings
but among the thorns there are
roses spread here too

and hey
lets not pretend
that we don't all have feelings
that border on crazy
or irrational
its just
i'm writing it here and you can see

exactly as you read
this is raw
full of feelings
of moments i can't take away
i won't take away

so yes, i have the audacity...

au·dac·i·ty

   [aw-das-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural au·dac·i·ties.

1.

boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogantdisregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or otherrestrictions.

2.

effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness: His questioner'saudacity shocked the lecturer.

3.

Usually, audacities. audacious  acts or statements.

What that really means...

sitting on a porch, on a farm, far from home
conversation strikingly sad
pessimistic and unsure

halfway through the best of what
our bodies will reasonaably give us for life
with children running with puppies around us
gardens growing, house owning
fortunate as we are

struggling to come to terms with not becoming
successful or having necessary careers
knowing
ideas of success rapidly change
as our minds shape
lives of new beings
forcing a rethink to our
strategies

it's okay
though
and i'm who I am
where i am, loving whom i do because
good choices have brought me here

times get hard
i am not the doctor or
peacekeeping earth saver
i imagined i would
one day be by now
it's okay because it's who i am
she is still in me

it's okay because life is short
no one is going to be able to save this earth
by themselves
especially me, with this family
i am the same as many others, in a house that looks
plainly like all the others, in clothes that
look normally like hers and hers and hers

success has morphed for me into the moments
that the make the difference
not the times where i give a speech to hundreds of people
at a conference
or when i organize an office, or file papers

its when i sit with friends on a porch and talk about
life and kids and tiredness
its when i soak in the air and noises of my man
chatting as he always does, my son giggle with delight
as puppies playfully follow him
when daughters play independantly and yet still sing so loudly you can hear them when they are plainly out of sight

redefining successes
understanding the reality that is this earth

helping my first born find the goodness in himself
learning success is building strong friendships
making time for beautiful families

sometimes i will long for the old days, or better choices
excluding the career or lack of "success"
or life i have today
but then
maybe there wouldn't be the have the life i have today
where happiness is such a common place

You can do anything!

Recent conversations are creeping under my skin
deeper than anticipated
strangely my audacity
sheds light on how
parents encourage
providing endless confidence
what have they done
standing here wondering
what i've become

who am i
not the firefighter
policewoman or barbie
doll living in royalty
dreams providing little
truth
to facing of reality

not an astronaut, or a singer
certainly dancing is out
fashion designing
not even an entrepreneur
saving the earth is not in
the cards anymore
if every it was

and so digging into the depths of
who we thought we'd be
i share
the scary on the minds of many
i'm sure
sitting in an office like every other
just as encouraged as me
as the young blossoming children
we were

lets skip a few
maybe twenty-five years and here
i am, pushing my children to be
all they can be
helping others
pick a career
make enough money
good choices too
can you really do all that you want or
do your parents choices
lay on your hands
restricting you
can each child have the potential for
grand success

will you sit on hill with your best friend
and talk about how far you haven't come
and what that really means...

spread words on wind

lights are sparkling in the distance
as i watch out over the night
the falls are violently wooshing into
whirlpools
carving wear on rock

where
in all those lights
in all those homes across the river
across the country
where is the help
where is the why
and the questions
and how
how could we sit idly by and let people so
incredibly trusting and
lovely, inviting and sweet

stand by
let advantage be taken
of this beautifully peaceful people
with knowledge from today comes
sadness and pain
residual feelings of distrust
anger and resentment
why would anyone do this
or not to something to stop this
oppression
assimilation
destruction of lives

feeling lost in these emotions
becoming overwhelmed by knowledge of
past indescretions of people to whom
I was born to
ingoring things in plain sight
or allowing rights of people
to be pressed under foot or shoved
in corners
while colour
or lack there of stansds on top
winning some kind of race
race

i am ashamed
guilty by association
saddened and crying

please wake up to the cries
so what, they're not as loud now
they are here, worthy
and present
grieving and mourning
sharing
the loss of so many important rights
life
choice
love
compassion
taking all for granted
we do as we sit in ignorant white
boxes, ignoring the plight around our
scattered flight

we cannot allow this to be forgotten
or placed behind embarassed curtains
the need is great
for education
spread words on wind
across the lands
we will not allow such treachery
and blood on our hands
anymore

instill compassion and love
guidance and trust
regain our credibility
be honourable
advocate because
its
your
duty
as a Canadian
as an educated person
to right your wrong