Tonight I realized...(Non-Poetic Post)

While I can't promise any of my particular posts are poetic as such, they speak to my feelings, raw in moments of emotional turmoil with non sentences.

This post has sentences.

Tonight struck me with a rather surprising epiphany and i wish I could say it came to me because of an inspirational and deeply thought provoking movie.  It didn't.  It was just fucking Batman.  Well, it was after i was pumped up on enough caffeine and movie inspiration that I could be completely off and i was running the dog in the park, not during the movie.  But, none-the-less, it runs from the excitement and inspiration from the movie.

As I threw the Frisbee for the dog, i felt strong again.  I remembered that all this while...over the past few months of discussion about being a surrogate and what that means giving up.  Essentially, it means we are committing to having no more of our own children.  We are, for all intent and purposes, done.

While I said it, i'm not sure i meant it.  Until now.  I am sure, certain and happy would feel completely comfortable with my partner going in tomorrow for surgery to cut it up. ;)   {He might not be...} But, I am happy with that answer because it will free me.

I love my children and am so happy i have them, i would never change those decisions for the world.  It is fucking tiring though.  Child rearing.  Wiping me clear of energy i never had to begin with.  And so, with that I feel good in moving forward to gaining a semblance of strength inside of me, finding the little lady, small activist-world saver that I once deemed myself to be.

I am letting go of the childbearing fog that holds me in a monotony.  Exiting the state of not being able to do anything else in the meantime.

This has been a pivotal day in the history of my 8 year fog.  I am breaking free.

I will not pretend this fog will be easy to slip out of, since i am not an energetic person and i'm still not sure if the caffeine high and lack of children are prompting me to this point however it feels right and tonight i'm going with it.

End of non-poetic post
Beginning of clarity

Inspiration Reigns

It didn't take much but a silly old
movie with heroes of men
heroes of women

basking in the glory that was tonight
realization struck
to my surprise

i haven't lost
she is here
and it IS time
to move from this fog
into the light
where the brightness brings clarity

like lighting it hit
as if there is no other way, it's time for me
to pave
endure the pain for future goals
the ones of past
to bring forth to the reality
of life i hold
now
now

now
scared of what this
all might mean
{scared that the influence of
caffeine
has molded
framing thoughts for minutes only}
instead of strong foundations
meant for building

doesn't matter much the things i do
for me
time will cease regardless

mattering of the things seen
by children
mine...
others...
right and wrong, peace and love, good and bad
struggles to manage, maintain, sustain
while persevering
for children i grow for tomorrow
to see
that
only that
is the matter for the things i do
show, fight, continuing on my plight
save a little bit of the world
through my life

time to move on, ever forward
managing the confusing, strangely peaceful time
where comfort is being busy as can be
to forget she
that girl
that was once me
tearing off the clothes and mask
social pressures and media
task
me with mountains high
to overcome
for the bit of me that I can do
save the world to make it better
if only for a few
My instinctual nature
to hit home
being the driving force
ensuring the seed i leave
continues on without me, without pain
or suffering
maybe rather
fulfilling my own perceptions of my own destiny

Excuse me a moment, while i throw up in your face...(this one is a train wreck, it will be difficult not to look - but if you are squeamish you may want to steer clear)

F-ity F-words, and bastardy others
to which would describe the ongoing frustration that
is the complete and utter FUCK you are
oh yeah
i remember you and you know me
all too familiar are the sounds that emanate from your
hole
consistently failing
barely getting by
why don't you take a fucking moment
and let go of the joints
that reap your funds clean from
the hands of your son

just going to say it
fucking fucker

fucking sucker; is what must be
written ALL over me with
spray paint
and a hint of feeling violated
screaming through my veins
pumping hot with anger

at first heard
figuring...humph it figures
and giving up on trying to maintain funds
for my son...momentarily
of course

{god damned fucking fucker}

now though, it's settling under the skin
and seeping into the veins within
coarsing with daggers
needles sharp

the douchebag jokes and laughs with me
as if
as though, it's fucking funny
"you're not going to like this
what i have to tell you, i've been hanging
on so long as to not upset you...lol".

LOL???
oh.. why then, "fucking thank you"
for sparing me the hatred for you
until now...

he fights the second wife for custody
battling for minimal support
payments
to children to which he's knowingly
wantingly conceived
asks me
"i'm not a bad father am i?"
a multi-tude of times over text


{i know he's stoned again...}

absolutely you are
you fucking prick
for eight years you bust your ass to
not be FORCED pay the bare minimum
and complain for something less
fuck, why should you be forced to pay at all?
to hell with it
why should you be forced to take...
responsibility?!

here you are at the cusp
of his little beginnings of greatness
where more could mean learning
arts, creativeness expanding his physical realm
and you want to scale back the meager
contributions
monetarily and accessibly

{selfish}


eight years i've taken ALL
responsibility
husband now, takes on more in a day
than you ever have
ever will


this is your legacy
coming up short time and again
why are there niceties
but for the sanity of my son
i mask this hatred
the horrible taste on my tongue
as i write this and would like for
you to disappear

ask me again you incredibly 
poor choice-d
lame ass piece of shit
ASK
if you are a good parent
or a parent at all...


i dare you


{FUCKER}

I have some crazy audacity...

Bloody hell this won't leave me...
____________________________

I have some crazy audacity...

i suppose i do
and it's likely mostly true
as i kick ass through

to find the the girl i lost years ago

most days i tire from the monotony
i feel mad and sad
emotional and scarred
working through feelings of
inadequacy, paranoia and mistrust
knowingly alone in most of it

perhaps i am an arrogant
something
with blatant disregard for others feelings
but among the thorns there are
roses spread here too

and hey
lets not pretend
that we don't all have feelings
that border on crazy
or irrational
its just
i'm writing it here and you can see

exactly as you read
this is raw
full of feelings
of moments i can't take away
i won't take away

so yes, i have the audacity...

au·dac·i·ty

   [aw-das-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural au·dac·i·ties.

1.

boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogantdisregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or otherrestrictions.

2.

effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness: His questioner'saudacity shocked the lecturer.

3.

Usually, audacities. audacious  acts or statements.

What that really means...

sitting on a porch, on a farm, far from home
conversation strikingly sad
pessimistic and unsure

halfway through the best of what
our bodies will reasonaably give us for life
with children running with puppies around us
gardens growing, house owning
fortunate as we are

struggling to come to terms with not becoming
successful or having necessary careers
knowing
ideas of success rapidly change
as our minds shape
lives of new beings
forcing a rethink to our
strategies

it's okay
though
and i'm who I am
where i am, loving whom i do because
good choices have brought me here

times get hard
i am not the doctor or
peacekeeping earth saver
i imagined i would
one day be by now
it's okay because it's who i am
she is still in me

it's okay because life is short
no one is going to be able to save this earth
by themselves
especially me, with this family
i am the same as many others, in a house that looks
plainly like all the others, in clothes that
look normally like hers and hers and hers

success has morphed for me into the moments
that the make the difference
not the times where i give a speech to hundreds of people
at a conference
or when i organize an office, or file papers

its when i sit with friends on a porch and talk about
life and kids and tiredness
its when i soak in the air and noises of my man
chatting as he always does, my son giggle with delight
as puppies playfully follow him
when daughters play independantly and yet still sing so loudly you can hear them when they are plainly out of sight

redefining successes
understanding the reality that is this earth

helping my first born find the goodness in himself
learning success is building strong friendships
making time for beautiful families

sometimes i will long for the old days, or better choices
excluding the career or lack of "success"
or life i have today
but then
maybe there wouldn't be the have the life i have today
where happiness is such a common place

You can do anything!

Recent conversations are creeping under my skin
deeper than anticipated
strangely my audacity
sheds light on how
parents encourage
providing endless confidence
what have they done
standing here wondering
what i've become

who am i
not the firefighter
policewoman or barbie
doll living in royalty
dreams providing little
truth
to facing of reality

not an astronaut, or a singer
certainly dancing is out
fashion designing
not even an entrepreneur
saving the earth is not in
the cards anymore
if every it was

and so digging into the depths of
who we thought we'd be
i share
the scary on the minds of many
i'm sure
sitting in an office like every other
just as encouraged as me
as the young blossoming children
we were

lets skip a few
maybe twenty-five years and here
i am, pushing my children to be
all they can be
helping others
pick a career
make enough money
good choices too
can you really do all that you want or
do your parents choices
lay on your hands
restricting you
can each child have the potential for
grand success

will you sit on hill with your best friend
and talk about how far you haven't come
and what that really means...

spread words on wind

lights are sparkling in the distance
as i watch out over the night
the falls are violently wooshing into
whirlpools
carving wear on rock

where
in all those lights
in all those homes across the river
across the country
where is the help
where is the why
and the questions
and how
how could we sit idly by and let people so
incredibly trusting and
lovely, inviting and sweet

stand by
let advantage be taken
of this beautifully peaceful people
with knowledge from today comes
sadness and pain
residual feelings of distrust
anger and resentment
why would anyone do this
or not to something to stop this
oppression
assimilation
destruction of lives

feeling lost in these emotions
becoming overwhelmed by knowledge of
past indescretions of people to whom
I was born to
ingoring things in plain sight
or allowing rights of people
to be pressed under foot or shoved
in corners
while colour
or lack there of stansds on top
winning some kind of race
race

i am ashamed
guilty by association
saddened and crying

please wake up to the cries
so what, they're not as loud now
they are here, worthy
and present
grieving and mourning
sharing
the loss of so many important rights
life
choice
love
compassion
taking all for granted
we do as we sit in ignorant white
boxes, ignoring the plight around our
scattered flight

we cannot allow this to be forgotten
or placed behind embarassed curtains
the need is great
for education
spread words on wind
across the lands
we will not allow such treachery
and blood on our hands
anymore

instill compassion and love
guidance and trust
regain our credibility
be honourable
advocate because
its
your
duty
as a Canadian
as an educated person
to right your wrong

Behind the curtains curtains...

I've struggled all my life
with feelings of inadequacy but only in certain moments of life
where i meet unknown
where i am accepted, i am strong
willed
loud
powerful, i try to be
every time i tip toe into
deep waters of new territory
there's struggle of learning
where fitting in might be
nervous and shy
paranoid and terrified of what
others might think of me
have i opened up too much
not enough
there always seems to be a wall up
for most that won't accept
or let me feel free to express myself

the others, like me
seem open
and the others others have opened freely to them as such
but not to me
qualities not exuded from me
put people on edge, i think
me
sitting back, listening, figuring
out
scared of thoughts in their heads
how do they feel about me
likely thinking about shy girl
not a  priority
dealing with lifes' challenges and own
situations has people's thoughts set adrift
but
fuck
here i sit, scared as shit
feeling alone and unwanted, unasked
and different from all the rest
no one has said anything to lead me to believe
just uninvited
behind a wall of curtains curtains
shielding me from becoming more
until they ask for something more
until I'm freed from
the drape of insecurity
that blocks feelings of trust
friendships from blooming
and life from living
i just can't come out though
until the invitation has been given
too much hurt has been there
lies have been there
too much pain has settled
behind those sheers of armour
protection from words of
daggers whispered in
secret conversations
i wait
until someone opens the door to my fears
and invites me in to theirs
i wait

back to me

splish splashing about in my half nakedness
two others unknown watching from
warm spaces
indulging here i am
in glory, guilty happiness
quickly fleeting as time passes
wishing this space in time would
not cease to exist here i already
sit so
far away from that moment
away from that time of floaty
freeing, moving about like
dolphins in movies
splashing, whale like
no doubt
cares behind me
momentarily while i'm
free for a moment
while my body forgets who i am now
my mind drifts through waves of
wanting to remember this moment
remembering moments past when
splish sploshing, being free
of weighted children
pulling at my sense of gravity
or buoyancy
up and down through waters warm
head standing, eyes open not really
seeing anything
propelling through the water like
bullets from guns
i am so fast and light and lovely
swimmingly forgetting me
longing for time to cease and hold
me in these moments forever
broken is time in chunks
passing quickly
without control, in losing control
in losing pieces of self along the
way
in this moment i breathe in
feeling free, remembering
i must come
back to me
eventually

The Rock, in my journey...

You
are amazing
always there
present
willing to
lend hands of any
work
as much as necessary
never impeding
always
gently offering
bringing support
love
kindness

strong with a
bold personality
not shy
always feel comfortable
so lucky to have
you
to have had you in
my life

a privileged life
i see some lead
but i
SO much so
with having you here
at my side as
i
need
require
hugs or tears
laughs
there have been
so many at your side
by your side
in your home
over time and
with time on our heels
needing you to
know how incredibly
much
YOU
meant to me
mean to me

not many
not any others have
been listeners
the way you have
with your nonjudgmental
ways
kindness and comfort
i feel trust in you
i open to you
can't say that
has happened with
other kin like you

calmness
love
beauty i adore
hero
a look up to woman
who i always wanted
to
be likened to
persevering like
no other, with quick wit
and strong roots
like trees
laughing
crying
shit jokes at sleepovers
more laughing
until we
were crying
there is no other like you
so fortunate
i am
thanking you

Success is in me

succeeding
CAN
be whatever you want
it to be for you
it can mean
you've tried everything
at every angle and know
that you have
placed 100 percent of
your efforts in the right place
for you
right now
today
it can mean stopping
continuing
persevering
existing
even just giving into
smiling
and appreciating
when so much
of your emotions don't
want you to
its feeling confident
in decisions
loving the woman who is you
being proud of how far you've come
turning your head around to
look back along the road you've
travelled and realize
shit
i really have climbed so
high
walked so far
so i am OK
to feel successful

weighting games

i've spent recent years
thinking about the fat
that is all around me

the uncomfortableness of the
belly and the rings that don't
fit on married fingers

missing them i often can
feel the heaviness
the puffiness
i so want to be free
of this hold that
has taken within me
feelings so strong
influencing my choices
to eat things i don't want to

i know what will happen
knowing I'll grow again
and more
bigger and harder to
breath
and run
and play with my kids
it hurts
the knees

but this struggle so difficult
for fucking life
up and down
clothes fitting than not
as i close the zipper
to very large pairs of
pants

forever this challenge will
hold my choices hostage
and force me to consume
things i'd rather not
and not allow me the pleasure
of things so many others
will continue to
indulge so freely
substantially
fucking everywhere

the smells of fat
sugar
blubber
can't be free of feelings
of failure
ugliness trappings
of insecurity wrapped in
licorice
dipped in chocolate
so i will continue to eat more
to feel better without feeling better

so fucking hard
addiction to kick
worse than anything i've had
to endure
it's sticks
for life i must choose
a better way for my children
for me to play
to live
love
be
just so fucking hard

walking a road to change

describing in detail
the likes of poverty i saw yesterday
to my seven year old
today
explaining the difference
city life
growth that will inevitably
seep in to his mind
like ivy growing up sides of
houses
every day we walk the streets
near our house we
won't escape it or not know
existence of the poor
life challenged individuals
all with many stories
we will not hide
instead
learn to help and understand
reasoning currently
incomprehensible
he's afraid of change and moving
again
afraid to try to make new friends
its hard
he's worked hard
being sensitive and quiet
finding friends is difficult
for people like us
i kept explaining the different world
where the park is right outside our
front door
libraries await only just down the street
can i just wake up and go to play
he asked
to which my reply was
no way
here or there you must wait
for us to be there with you
everything is close
there are buses
lots of people
schools next to stadiums
amongst the list of things cool
smiling he begins to
think of the differences he
can make
living in diverse arrangements
brings a whole new
life for him
we
while working hard to stay
employed
above poverty lines and financially stricken
taking risks moving from
village to village
at least there is the knowledge
that he will experience the many
ways in which people live
understand the differences
people have
and know that it's okay
perhaps
here
will be help for him
to see
its okay to be who you are
because everyone is different
and that's okay here
more acceptance
surprisingly in places
unknown

sleeping man

A man sleeps
against a wall on the ground
in an entrance to the parking
garage
me watching from afar
a man sits cross legged on
the sidewalk
banging his half mitt-ed
hands against his thighs
as he makes music
in his head
while his other bearded
friend stands slightly
to his side
ignoring all that he has said
staring blankly to the
road as though
the six people around
weren't actually
present in his time
as though also in a world
all my own, i move on
forward
with my business, busyness
different levels of living
as thought in parallel
universes we pass on
the streets
never to meet
maybe he was tired and needed
to lie down
maybe that's his bed
so hard and bright and dark
at night
with many people watching
judging
observing as i did today
thinking about this man who
lay
as i lay
on pillows fluffy and blankets
heavy
wondering why privilege has
left me distant
afraid
conditioned to ignore

facebooking love

the love you share in online worlds
seems of make-believe and things unreal
leaving tiny bits of hope
like leaves dropping dew unexpectedly
not really knowing you
your life
anything at all
about you really
except that you're together
just seeing the joy across random
posts
on your devotion
care
sweet nothings from nowhere
like a movie drama
or dream
it broke me to see it end
just a little
i felt so sad
like when characters die
i mourned the loss of your words
to eachother
it's weird and rather creepy
I'm sure
strangely its true however

often not posted so clearly for the world to read
are words like yours
beauty so clear and kind
to one another in relationships
(unknowingly complicated)
people don't share
usually...
except that you do
embracing the love
now
again
watching the pronouncements
across my screen
creates an illusion
or truth
that
love and loveliness has conquered
so don't fucking break up
again
because i don't like
how your movie made me feel
for short moments of time
before the happy ending
liking happy endings
like humans do
;)

Thanks for your beauty

i'm scared of life

we live our formative years
in ignorance of facts and truths
thinking of Santa, elves and reindeer
tooth fairies
other make-believe characters

not knowing about the complexities
of life for years
leaving fairy tales behind
embracing facts
having children
growing older, taking responsibilities
of life on

the visuals of death surround
us at levels in conceived before
people i love so close
people i love so far
too far away to do anything
too close in connection
fear closes in on my heart
growing weary of not knowing
which day will take my last breath

or she will hers
he might his
worry takes hold of my thoughts
becoming irrational
from once was rational
or not
just young
and inconceivable
wishing thoughts of sadness
possibilities of death to subside
maybe when I'm old
or older
or dead

partner not afraid to die?
how can that be when this life
is all we have
all
we
have?!!
maybe time and elderly
feelings will get the better
of me..
until that time, i dream of dreams
unwanted
fears envisioned, certainly unwarranted
too hard to push away
my mothers craziness
and irrationality settles into my
heart and i know now
how she felt
how she feels
just don't let them go before me
whatever happens
tears swell..so unrealistic
yet completely imaginable
why

scared to live for fear of death
grabbing hold of my very breath

walking to rainbows

making moves of slight
difference
difficult beyond our
current knowledge and stress
it wouldn't be us if
we didn't keep making moves
to enhance financial gains
just as steps are taken
loads lessen
yet roads get bumpier and
more challenging
in ways beyond knowledge of
known passing
routes are blocked
working hard, not mattering
working tired and tired
of working but
still going and needing breaks
waiting for the glimmer of
hope
times when walking slowly
uphill is not our daily battlerainbows in distances
seemingly close
farther the closer you
think you're getting

missing from far away

it's been so long
how can i say anything
that might bring
you home today
please whatever you
do
know that there is always
a solution to the madness that
is life
we can all help to find a
solution that is okay
for everyone, including you
please go home...
know you're loved
and we need you around
she needs your love
your guidance
your praise
please don't go and walk
away
because you're scared today
things will change and
life will change
and love will change
and it's OK
it will get better someday
maybe not now
or right away
but soon it will when you
let go of the control you
so desperately hold
who am i to say but your
friend from far away
i remember you
you
little and fun and funny
be here be with us
please don't go away
more than ever you're
challenged with more
we know
because we hear
I'll help you
we'll help you
well all help you
but for that you must stay
please go home

moments of time

time has taken hold of the girl i know
and in silence
noisy moments
of time and life
it all sometimes goes
by so
slow

i feel all trippy when these
moments sweep in
and i watch as my children
play and talk and speak with
such love and innocence
my mind cannot escape

not just my kids but
even conversations with people
who think they're great
professing greatness
time stood
still
and more and more
this happens to me like
I'm stepping outside my body
leaving to watch from some other
place and embrace this moment
for eternity

i can't help it
escape it
or walk away
i watch in amazement
draw in each breath slowly
in every moment as though it
was the last
so incredibly
full of wonderment and
complete perplexity for this
could be the first I've heard
of what you're telling me
or the last time i see

not sure what to call it
or how to explain
the hold it traps
in me so tight
there's no escape
as though my mind doesn't know
what to make of that moment

I'm not scared but calm and
almost on morphine soaking
and figuring and wondering
in slow motion

precariously hanging

We've had some fun
and laughed together...
but what if i told you
i don't believe in God
nope,...not at all
We've cried together
shit, you've even used my shoulder
for hugs
but what if i told you i
don't believe in pretend medicine
packaged in the alternative

We've discussed in length
about all our angst for the people
that drive us nuts
But what if you knew
or i told you
i support people equally
wholeheartedly
gays, bisexuals - anyone really
should be the same as me
by
law

You and I we've shared some secrets
things only you and i will know
But what if i told you that spirituality
means nothing
and the energy you speak of, does not exist
so no, i don't believe in faith, ghosts
or make believe
There are times when i reflect
great stories, bonding over common
occurrences in birth
but you never knew
and what if you did
i don't support spiritual feminism
because it undermines women's intelligence
and credibility?

What if i spread the word
shared on Internet spaces
to the world about my distaste
of things like anti-vax communicators
chiropractors pretending to
be doctors
and people who think they know
a lot because "it makes sense"
to them
feels good to them
like a shot of morphine to
accept nonsense blaming gov't
or big establishment
all the while forgetting
you are accepting
tales from the small who's now larger
than life
all the while
not realizing -  it's growth and greed
as though they're preaching
is scripture
or prescription
what would you do if you knew
about me.

i quietly sit with my
mouth sewn shut
when you tell me how ancient
wisdom helps you every day
should i quietly keep my opinions
in a safe
to save the friendship we have
today
why is it that if our friendship hangs
so precariously in on
this cliff
so that i may still call us friends
would you still like me the way
i am - if you knew?