Feeling quite ego-driven by this post..hmm, but it's the propellant for this blog

Mama, mommy, mother.  Losing my identity at the ripe age of crap, i can't remember.  I've had the common opportunity to have children and in that have lost my identity to two great kids.  When I became pregnant with E it was quite clear when people started asking me about "Baby" and were less and less concerned about my how I was or what was "up" with me.  Which was a strange pill to swallow.  I didn't think i cared.  In fact, for the last 7 years I haven't thought I cared.  But recent events have me beginning to care and wonder what happened to the "me" before I became a mom.

I fear she's lost.  It actually scares me so much, i feel like sleeping.  I feel like sleeping so i don't have to write about it.  I think I just figured out that trying to create a new person, an entity to care for children and not be the self i was before i had kids has completely and utterly exhausted me!?  There was a time I thought that I would never have kids.  I don't think it was for long because I think...ha (brains are so malleable) I have mostly always wanted kids?? Maybe.. my diaries say i have always wanted kids.  Hmph. Interesting.

We as parents, give up so much when we choose to have children.  Probably a whole lot more than we ever ever bargain for.  It's funny though because having kids is such a selfish desire and then when you have them, it's like you're hit with a brick wall of reality that says every day you will struggle.  The rewards of parenthood are awesome when you get them.  The giggles, the laughs the fun and watching them learn and play.  It's amazing sure, nothing i would ever turn back time for.  But...you can lose yourself.
My now husband is a very good man, and a good person with a good heart and we have one daughter made we together, and one son who came with me and my first big mistake...um, i mean marriage.  I'd love to have more but finances and previous c-sections stand in our way.  Crazy and contradictory hey?  One minute I'm saying my kids have sucked the life force from me and yet I want more.  Selfish, probably.  I love the idea of raising one more to add to my beautiful two.  To watch them all grow and learn and love one another.  That's the amazing part of parenthood, the part that is thrilling and should probably bring back some of my energy. 

That's it...and now the poetry begins as I reinvent the woman in me, the woman I am.