Success is in me

succeeding
CAN
be whatever you want
it to be for you
it can mean
you've tried everything
at every angle and know
that you have
placed 100 percent of
your efforts in the right place
for you
right now
today
it can mean stopping
continuing
persevering
existing
even just giving into
smiling
and appreciating
when so much
of your emotions don't
want you to
its feeling confident
in decisions
loving the woman who is you
being proud of how far you've come
turning your head around to
look back along the road you've
travelled and realize
shit
i really have climbed so
high
walked so far
so i am OK
to feel successful

weighting games

i've spent recent years
thinking about the fat
that is all around me

the uncomfortableness of the
belly and the rings that don't
fit on married fingers

missing them i often can
feel the heaviness
the puffiness
i so want to be free
of this hold that
has taken within me
feelings so strong
influencing my choices
to eat things i don't want to

i know what will happen
knowing I'll grow again
and more
bigger and harder to
breath
and run
and play with my kids
it hurts
the knees

but this struggle so difficult
for fucking life
up and down
clothes fitting than not
as i close the zipper
to very large pairs of
pants

forever this challenge will
hold my choices hostage
and force me to consume
things i'd rather not
and not allow me the pleasure
of things so many others
will continue to
indulge so freely
substantially
fucking everywhere

the smells of fat
sugar
blubber
can't be free of feelings
of failure
ugliness trappings
of insecurity wrapped in
licorice
dipped in chocolate
so i will continue to eat more
to feel better without feeling better

so fucking hard
addiction to kick
worse than anything i've had
to endure
it's sticks
for life i must choose
a better way for my children
for me to play
to live
love
be
just so fucking hard

walking a road to change

describing in detail
the likes of poverty i saw yesterday
to my seven year old
today
explaining the difference
city life
growth that will inevitably
seep in to his mind
like ivy growing up sides of
houses
every day we walk the streets
near our house we
won't escape it or not know
existence of the poor
life challenged individuals
all with many stories
we will not hide
instead
learn to help and understand
reasoning currently
incomprehensible
he's afraid of change and moving
again
afraid to try to make new friends
its hard
he's worked hard
being sensitive and quiet
finding friends is difficult
for people like us
i kept explaining the different world
where the park is right outside our
front door
libraries await only just down the street
can i just wake up and go to play
he asked
to which my reply was
no way
here or there you must wait
for us to be there with you
everything is close
there are buses
lots of people
schools next to stadiums
amongst the list of things cool
smiling he begins to
think of the differences he
can make
living in diverse arrangements
brings a whole new
life for him
we
while working hard to stay
employed
above poverty lines and financially stricken
taking risks moving from
village to village
at least there is the knowledge
that he will experience the many
ways in which people live
understand the differences
people have
and know that it's okay
perhaps
here
will be help for him
to see
its okay to be who you are
because everyone is different
and that's okay here
more acceptance
surprisingly in places
unknown

sleeping man

A man sleeps
against a wall on the ground
in an entrance to the parking
garage
me watching from afar
a man sits cross legged on
the sidewalk
banging his half mitt-ed
hands against his thighs
as he makes music
in his head
while his other bearded
friend stands slightly
to his side
ignoring all that he has said
staring blankly to the
road as though
the six people around
weren't actually
present in his time
as though also in a world
all my own, i move on
forward
with my business, busyness
different levels of living
as thought in parallel
universes we pass on
the streets
never to meet
maybe he was tired and needed
to lie down
maybe that's his bed
so hard and bright and dark
at night
with many people watching
judging
observing as i did today
thinking about this man who
lay
as i lay
on pillows fluffy and blankets
heavy
wondering why privilege has
left me distant
afraid
conditioned to ignore

facebooking love

the love you share in online worlds
seems of make-believe and things unreal
leaving tiny bits of hope
like leaves dropping dew unexpectedly
not really knowing you
your life
anything at all
about you really
except that you're together
just seeing the joy across random
posts
on your devotion
care
sweet nothings from nowhere
like a movie drama
or dream
it broke me to see it end
just a little
i felt so sad
like when characters die
i mourned the loss of your words
to eachother
it's weird and rather creepy
I'm sure
strangely its true however

often not posted so clearly for the world to read
are words like yours
beauty so clear and kind
to one another in relationships
(unknowingly complicated)
people don't share
usually...
except that you do
embracing the love
now
again
watching the pronouncements
across my screen
creates an illusion
or truth
that
love and loveliness has conquered
so don't fucking break up
again
because i don't like
how your movie made me feel
for short moments of time
before the happy ending
liking happy endings
like humans do
;)

Thanks for your beauty

i'm scared of life

we live our formative years
in ignorance of facts and truths
thinking of Santa, elves and reindeer
tooth fairies
other make-believe characters

not knowing about the complexities
of life for years
leaving fairy tales behind
embracing facts
having children
growing older, taking responsibilities
of life on

the visuals of death surround
us at levels in conceived before
people i love so close
people i love so far
too far away to do anything
too close in connection
fear closes in on my heart
growing weary of not knowing
which day will take my last breath

or she will hers
he might his
worry takes hold of my thoughts
becoming irrational
from once was rational
or not
just young
and inconceivable
wishing thoughts of sadness
possibilities of death to subside
maybe when I'm old
or older
or dead

partner not afraid to die?
how can that be when this life
is all we have
all
we
have?!!
maybe time and elderly
feelings will get the better
of me..
until that time, i dream of dreams
unwanted
fears envisioned, certainly unwarranted
too hard to push away
my mothers craziness
and irrationality settles into my
heart and i know now
how she felt
how she feels
just don't let them go before me
whatever happens
tears swell..so unrealistic
yet completely imaginable
why

scared to live for fear of death
grabbing hold of my very breath

walking to rainbows

making moves of slight
difference
difficult beyond our
current knowledge and stress
it wouldn't be us if
we didn't keep making moves
to enhance financial gains
just as steps are taken
loads lessen
yet roads get bumpier and
more challenging
in ways beyond knowledge of
known passing
routes are blocked
working hard, not mattering
working tired and tired
of working but
still going and needing breaks
waiting for the glimmer of
hope
times when walking slowly
uphill is not our daily battlerainbows in distances
seemingly close
farther the closer you
think you're getting

missing from far away

it's been so long
how can i say anything
that might bring
you home today
please whatever you
do
know that there is always
a solution to the madness that
is life
we can all help to find a
solution that is okay
for everyone, including you
please go home...
know you're loved
and we need you around
she needs your love
your guidance
your praise
please don't go and walk
away
because you're scared today
things will change and
life will change
and love will change
and it's OK
it will get better someday
maybe not now
or right away
but soon it will when you
let go of the control you
so desperately hold
who am i to say but your
friend from far away
i remember you
you
little and fun and funny
be here be with us
please don't go away
more than ever you're
challenged with more
we know
because we hear
I'll help you
we'll help you
well all help you
but for that you must stay
please go home

moments of time

time has taken hold of the girl i know
and in silence
noisy moments
of time and life
it all sometimes goes
by so
slow

i feel all trippy when these
moments sweep in
and i watch as my children
play and talk and speak with
such love and innocence
my mind cannot escape

not just my kids but
even conversations with people
who think they're great
professing greatness
time stood
still
and more and more
this happens to me like
I'm stepping outside my body
leaving to watch from some other
place and embrace this moment
for eternity

i can't help it
escape it
or walk away
i watch in amazement
draw in each breath slowly
in every moment as though it
was the last
so incredibly
full of wonderment and
complete perplexity for this
could be the first I've heard
of what you're telling me
or the last time i see

not sure what to call it
or how to explain
the hold it traps
in me so tight
there's no escape
as though my mind doesn't know
what to make of that moment

I'm not scared but calm and
almost on morphine soaking
and figuring and wondering
in slow motion

precariously hanging

We've had some fun
and laughed together...
but what if i told you
i don't believe in God
nope,...not at all
We've cried together
shit, you've even used my shoulder
for hugs
but what if i told you i
don't believe in pretend medicine
packaged in the alternative

We've discussed in length
about all our angst for the people
that drive us nuts
But what if you knew
or i told you
i support people equally
wholeheartedly
gays, bisexuals - anyone really
should be the same as me
by
law

You and I we've shared some secrets
things only you and i will know
But what if i told you that spirituality
means nothing
and the energy you speak of, does not exist
so no, i don't believe in faith, ghosts
or make believe
There are times when i reflect
great stories, bonding over common
occurrences in birth
but you never knew
and what if you did
i don't support spiritual feminism
because it undermines women's intelligence
and credibility?

What if i spread the word
shared on Internet spaces
to the world about my distaste
of things like anti-vax communicators
chiropractors pretending to
be doctors
and people who think they know
a lot because "it makes sense"
to them
feels good to them
like a shot of morphine to
accept nonsense blaming gov't
or big establishment
all the while forgetting
you are accepting
tales from the small who's now larger
than life
all the while
not realizing -  it's growth and greed
as though they're preaching
is scripture
or prescription
what would you do if you knew
about me.

i quietly sit with my
mouth sewn shut
when you tell me how ancient
wisdom helps you every day
should i quietly keep my opinions
in a safe
to save the friendship we have
today
why is it that if our friendship hangs
so precariously in on
this cliff
so that i may still call us friends
would you still like me the way
i am - if you knew?

Where'd you go?

There
or here
I stand alone
abandoned by close
friends
or friends I thought
were close
at least I have
family
my lover, so close
skeptical minds
running together in
streams of people
heading in the opposite direction
and all we do is try
to explain how to
understand
complexity of life
that most consider
unexplainable
can actually
truly completely
be explained
I don't want to
not be friends with
you
maybe
if you thought about it too
and did the
THOROUGH
research
you would see
all those things
that are clear to me
but not just I
it's science and
medicine and things
you have so much distrust
in
why?
why do you believe
what you believe
is it because your parents
taught you
is life to scary without
the imaginary
to calm
our soul
our brains
have you ever thought
that maybe you might be
wrong
i have, i am
a lot
i know i'm not always right
and would rather not let my
assumptions
choose my path
and decide my fate
wouldn't you rather know
the facts
and truth of what you're
Chosing for belief?
that's why i share
in hope
or with hope
that you might care
to know more
to learn more
and care to learn how to
teach yourself to
know the differences between
fact and fiction
and understand
just how
deceiving our brains can
be
and how those who market
to you are knowingly
taking your money
being unkind
with a mask of
nice words, feelings and
making you feel happy
inside...it feels good
doesn't it
This is just me
Not a rocket scientist
or surgeon
pharmacist
marketer
but i've read
i've listened
learned and am developing
my skills
in search of facts
beyond the scope
of random online posts
of bloggers and website owners
who put down pharmaceuticals
and then hypcritically'
sell shit on line
It's just me
trusting in science
skepticism
feminism
and
i think for myself

will this ever really happen?

Time passes on as i
sit here alone each day
waiting for that perfect person
somebody else
must be perfect for
here

Not us, just you
we are not meant to be here in this place
with these people
who frown upon our thoughts
and beliefs in this world

who are you
you perfect person just waiting
for your financier to say
it's okay
here's your cash
your dough and stash to take
and buy that place you'll love

funny little house
for it sits alone on a street
the only one of it's kind
silent and cute and special in
it's own special sort of ways

could it be that only we could like this place
small and sweet with a backyard retreat

I hear cackles bursting through my
windows
it breaks my thought and concentration to
hear it just one more time
my hair cringes and
i want to be rid of the people
who make this so hard
living here so incredibly difficult

wind whips around the house today
no cars or people have come to listen
to the blustery
sounds
among the trees of our street
or hear the sweet sound of rivers on my radio
nor have they come to view the flowers in
our garden...

i miss you...

Strange it's been
with you so far
and apart from our lives
unwanting or unwilling
or unsomething
us away

seemingly like you
aren't interested in having
connections with
your kids or your kids kids'

there was a time only fifteen
years or less ago when we
talked for hours
spent time at breakfast
discussing life, the whys
and whats and things
that interested us

but soon I
lost you
lost the closeness
and love you used to share
i used to feel like you wanted
me there
a girl, your girl of whom
you cared for
but not anymore

talking is basic
and simply unchallenged
conversations of daily
life musings of the norm
hows the weather
whats
fucking
new
this month
aaaaaaaa


what did i do
to lose you
your love, your caring for me
did i disrespect you
not care enough for you
cause you too much grief
grow up too much
to be close to me

i'm sad
this makes me sad but
not only for me
for mostly i feel
my children will never know

know him, his
true identity
love and caring
hugs and tears of
joy
intelligence and sensible
behaviours
like i know about mine

i know my grandpa
was kind and lovable
huggable and hugely
stomach-ed
always cared and read a lot
he was quiet but loving
and usually around

i'm not sure the grandbabies
will know you
the way i knew him
or maybe more sad that they will not
know you better than that

i know we live farther away
to make it easy
but what else do you have to do
what else do you have in your
life that is more important
than family...
there are many days i'd like to spend with you again

my heart aches some days
for the man i know when i was smaller
playing ball
talking plays and players
and people and life
spending time with you
i remember fondly days filled with care
and fun and laughs

breakfasts at the round table
watching Star Trek
together
because it was
always fun to connect with you
i tear up knowing your path
in life is with us at a
far distance like those
of neighbours

like paintings hung on a
wall might we be talked
about

maybe i'm wrong and your
love is strong but
tightly stored away
for something unknown
or only reserved for
people other than
me or him or her

i miss you

this addiction is okay!..?

how can anything be so strong
this pull
or need and desire
drawing all my senses
addiction it could be
laughingly we (doulas) all joke
about this obsession that
takes hold of our being

something we cannot live without
but draws so much from us
i yearn for another
to attend
be present in
watching life created
gives me energy and love
and its sucking me in

oh how i long for the satisfaction
it brings to others to have me there
to help birth mothers and view mothers births

passion versus addiction
loving that feeling
knowing my strength is
helping mothers find their strength

wishing i will find another mother soon

There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

There's no doubt, and most mommy-daddy websites will tell us about the crap
we have to deal with as we say goodbye to our past selves and hello to child-rearing
and working our asses off to have a mediocre living with our kids.  But, even though in
over hearing the musings of the childless behind a cubicle "wall ", I honestly feel while we
work hard, struggle financially and probably won't travel around the world, there are many
bits of joy in this Shit.

There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

I'm bloody goddamn tired
and you walk into our room
stand in front of me with your blue
eyes and insist on waking
the dead

I see you smile
I cringe and feel surges of anger
thump through my body
but that smile
radiating such joy
beyond words
challenges the aching
i feel
again, i rise
before daylight
has struck.

rushing at the break of
dawn to prepare lunches
and snacks
clothes for extra wear
because we know you will
"accidentally" soil that pair

pushing us to the brink
after multiple upon
multiple askings to put shoes
on and prepare to leave
anger takes hold
but then
you
look at me and say
please Mommy, just sit and read a book
with me
time melts away
ceasing to exist
I sit and enjoy a moment
of life
where sponges are obvious
obviously soaking in their surroundings
and so too, will i

together, your dad and I
watching you struggle
from high slides
to learning to combine letters
making sounds
forming words
being privy to your successes
is worth more than
people pay for gold

years have passed
six so far and I have
lived in a fog that holds tight
my days and nights
although i dream of days
where i can do as i please
again
i hold strong to the fog
because these are the best
years of innocence
feelings and amazement's
facial expressions
i hope to never
forget
these are times
and as hard (and fuck they're hard)
as they are
these are the times where the
intensity of the sleepless nights
hanging precariously on the cliff
of exhaustion
meets the peak of joy

in this SHIT, there is joy
so deep it
propels us to continue
embracing us

any day, i would take this SHIT for the joy it brings

raising my emotions

{Hugs to you}


Taking a deep breath is
so hard to do
when my mind is all
wrapped up in
musings that are
impossible to
control


I need to let go
for those
thoughts to
lose
their momentum
of frustration


if for a moment to
let myself
cry
because i can
and I'm a woman
who needs to
have that
release
to move forward


I carry a heavy burden
to which my emotions
tell me so
not being able to control
this thing
this
something heavy
heavy and
incredibly
difficult


how can i let go
and lose control
the way i
think
i
need to be?


Deep breaths i
take to drown
my lungs with patience
scarce as it
seems it is
within me
i have it
to be patient and
deal softly with
the elements of life
i find so challenging


breath
and time will
be
my light at the
end of this trying
tunnel


deep
sighs of
relief
please take me
away from this place

waiting on Thursday

becoming so entrenched in this
i am so tired i can't see
can't see the pain you feel

i know i should
knowing you would
would try to be as caring as
you could
i can't
feeling stuck and pulled down into
the water
wanting to drown
its hurting to stay above
almost every moment hurts to
continue and know
tomorrow will be the same as today
until Thursday

what the hell does this say about
me
what kind of person would i be
i care, i love, i really do
i know that you can't do anything
but be, right now in this place
where you'd rather be anywhere
else

i remind myself, knowingly of all
the reasons
it still doesn't stop this hardness
feeling so helpless
with so much that needs to be done
and nothing we can do
but wait for Thursday and hope
things get better soon

i love you so much
I'm so sorry i feel this way
and want to take it away but
I'm tired
and i can't
i must feel to move on
with tomorrow
and try desperately to
embrace the new day

son

sharing all my thoughts
of hope and
love
from years beyond the scope
of reason
because surely things
will change
know your home
know your safe
always with us
no matter what
we will be here for
you
in life
in hearts and death
to come
know you're loved
whenever we
think of you
or thoughts of us
do brew

you are so ingrained
a part of me
a large portion of who i
am is so much because of
you

my brave and strong
young boy
that no one sees
that's you
you will have thoughts
and challenges seemingly
insurmountable, i know
remember that choices
are yours to make
only
you can make the change to
move forward your
life journey
to make it great

never lose your compassion
the beautiful caring love
you share in hugs of
early childhood
please don't let go
it's one of the most
beautiful visions of
your character

i'm so lucky as i watch you
play
soccer or using your
imagination
many different ways outside
in the backyard
most won't see your
resilience and although you
struggle with some changes
in honesty
you have this ability
to roll with the punches
at least the big ones
you embrace
so incredibly

a thoughtful young
man
who will sit and contemplate
many a time
the different
wonderful and not so
sides of life
remember to take many
of those moments
breathe
love life, enjoy it
remember how lucky we are to share
this time together
to live together
in this life
experiencing it with
you
me
us
we are so fortunate
to have you with
us
in our family journey
without you
i'm not sure of who
i'd be
loving you is such a apart of
me
remember the fabulous times
and be happy for them
because those are the moments
that matter
don't be sad for too long
be happy we love
have love
love to be loved
in life long
dreams down roads
of stone bumps and
bruises
know that we're
always here with you
to help you along the way
our family door is always
open and welcoming
you home
no matter who you are
and what you do
we will always
have love in our hearts
for you
my son
my brilliant shining star

daughter

Strikingly fast time
has passed
thinking hard about all
the lessons you need to know
and learn from me
before time goes
away completely

wanting you to know
how timeless are the times
when
i watched you sleep
not so creepily but beautifully
and peacefully
breathe
gazed often in amazement
at your lust and energy
for life

the laughter you've brought us
from just weeks after
your beautiful birth
that smile, so infectious

Taking all your precious
qualities
so innocent and brave
please keep them close
don't lose yourself
love yourself, like I love you
from the inside out
challenges will surely come
and
go
in the throws of life
so trivial though
in hindsight
you will see
time will help you see
how you can overcome
greatest odds

intellectual challenges
will surface around
corners unseen
choices are yours
even if they suck
you always have a choice
to move yourself
forward

I watch and wait for you
to grow
hoping to stop you

mid-way through
you
slow down and wait with
me a while
while i catch my breath

what i tell you today
doesn't really matter
because you will learn
and develop your own
life
perspectives
for the most part.

Know that we care
whoever you are
whatever you do
we will be here for you
for you to hug
feel safe
feel loved
no matter what
no judgement will
lay at the door
of your family.

It probably really hurt...

I've been wanting to write this for a while sorry it's taken so long...

i was mad
I'm sure
you were too
we said some things that
i know i didn't mean
i remember what i said though
years later only
i realize
what that might have meant

to you

our bond, we share
runs so deep
I'm sad 
here
as i fail to let go of
what i said so long ago

"i would be a better mother than you"
that somehow you might
"not be a good mother
to your only
kids"
"i would save them from you
with visits from me"
and
so
with that

I'm so sorry

time has passed
and i have learned so much
learned that i was wrong
wrong to say what i said
it was mean
and i was young and i was
mean in saying
what i said to you
that day, those days

it might not mean a lot
twenty odd years have passed
still feeling it
and feel horrible for it 
coursing through me
are pains of regret

how can i
now
show you how wonderful you are
how many a day i listen
to you raise your beautiful daughter
and wish i could summon the patience
you so brilliantly share with
her

sitting here
thinking of you
your mothering
caring
kind and gentle ways
knowing your daughter
couldn't ever have
a better woman to admire
strong and loving
determined and soft
and so
intelligently opinionated
but only when you need to be
i admire you so immensely

a
mother
such a good mother
one i long to sometimes be
i hope you know
how much you mean to
me

i am so
sorry
i want to erase those words
from memories of past
perhaps you have
already
unable to
myself
i write to you and beg
for forgiveness undeserved

surviving social awkwardness

feeling
as though being "social"
becomes insurmountable
a mountain never attainable
not able
to climb


it's not
okay to show
depict
display one's
true self because
no one wants to know
if you're not always
feeling happy and
positive
about life
or everything


can't imagine others'
lives are so filled with
joy
speaking about pain
and negative feelings
leaves others not
wanting
to befriend
"don't want to talk
to you if it's
not happy
and if it's about
me
not you"


never having been
at the height
popularity
always hanging
somewhere down
below
based on social
norms
including such
constraints as
geekiness
awkwardly
speaking to
people
and never
really knowing the right thing to say
always being on different
pages of planets
unknown to others


in own worlds of space
perhaps there is
a space for me
for people like
me
are there people
like me?


so scared to be
myself
it hasn't worked so far
and so far
its only hurt my heart


it aches trying to
figure out this
complicated mess of
social expectedness
negativity
versus correctness
against norms
towing party lines
of black and
white and always
hearing the  
musings
sayings
bullshit
lines justify their
okay-ness
for me to be different
from them
as they walk backwards
from our conversations


lost in a world so deeply
filled with expectations of
agreeable behaviours


wanting so badly to
be myself but un-allowed
to be
scared to be


so i sit
quiet in rage
silent in thought
heart in hand
wondering which path
i can be safely opinionated
on

She sings and colours...

Her innocence is still so raw
and beautiful
as she sits and colours so intensely
singing and making sounds depicting
spiderman

almost all in the lines
so specific and precise
her face as young as the new
fallen snow just outside
our window

hair is tossed and slightly
knotty as she sports her Tink
nightgown with bright
pink
soft and cozy socks
picking all the crayons out of
the
box
shoving back in the ones
that haven't been chosen to
colour her masterpeice.

so innocent and brave
speaking all the words that
venture to and from her thoughts
never really scared or
faltering from her
intentions

unknowing of all things
scary
this world
will
offer her

my mind wonders of the beauty
and love she could bring
to our planet
forgoing every influence
and challenge she will face
in
life

be still my love
be you
my dear
my caring
young innocent
child

choice is not choice when your forced to choose one choice

a battered body
without money and often
desperate
its not a choice when you're
starving to live, it's all you can do
to stay alive while being
raped and abused by men
around the world
visiting because they know what they'll
get when they visit you

a chance to penetrate
the will of yet another battered woman
do what he wants to her
with what he thinks is consent because
he's paying "her"
he "thinks" he's paying her
pimps getting paid through
these woman's orifices

so unjust is our world
with all we know to take such
advantage of women
to put them
down
to the ground, to not respect
beautiful creatures who make your young
who create your world

with all your knowledge and humanism
you strive or pretend to strive for
how can you allow such disgusting behaviour
to continue

turning a blind eye because
police, and judges are being paid
to look the other way
because men get paid
a lot

the man
who keeps putting her there
in that bloody pool
in that threat of death
in that misogynistic
wrath
that so disgusts me

it is not a choice
it was not her choice
it was NOT HER choice
NOT HER choice
NOT a CHOICE

she has no choice

aggression...apathy...guilt

Building of machines of
hate
anger
aggression, killing people
walking through the tunnels that
create these
monsters of destruction

watching imaginary figures being
blown to
smitherines by these machines
trying to convince myself every day
of the peacekeeping they're doing

what will stop these aggressive beasts
but women
of power, maybe
can I delude myself sufficiently to
think that maybe women would
make the difference and create peace?

power is a tricky devil
of destruction in itself killing the
brilliant mind that may be behind

if i were there
and
not here, it wouldn't be so
easy
would it?
to hide behind this guilty border of death
to pretend i am not to blame

me
a woman taking money from a company
that will kill and sells to enemies
friends
abroad

i am ashamed and yet excuse it because
i don't see the death on my doorstep
every morning
whilst preparing
for work
needing the money

so sorry, so sorry
many more dead
i'm so sorry

Really?...feeling more than a little judged...

Really?

this
stance ?
you take
i can't have
and form
a reasonable
scientific opinion
because it
differs from the
norm
i am disallowed
my right
to hold
convictions
tight

it's water
and no
i won't go on pretending it's
anything more

shall i create
alternate selves
and hide
behind
wide curtains
to not offend
you

my beliefs
based on
fact
because I'm a feminist
i have to believe
what you
believe?
and to not...makes you
mad
offensive
defensive
sad
for me?
Don't be.
Thank
you

Belief
in these
pills
something
that can't
in any
current
scientific
realm be proven

these facts
i know
it's what i require

and somehow
that will never be enough
to satisfy
you

so
know that
i will be true to
me

i will hold tight the knowledge
which is supported by fact
and NOT
sit idly by and
let people tell me to be quiet.

Hypocritical
it would be
of me
to sit aside and pretend
i don't feel so strongly
that it's wrong to promote
the unproven

i preach without a doubt
the scientific evidence
to which supports the very
claim
that normal birth
without intervention
is the best choice
for the normal
average
empowered
woman!

how could i sit beside
a woman
and suggest her to labour
without medication
because that's what science
says is best
conversely then prop up
some alternative medicine
unproven and say it's
OK?

rather,
i promote to women
to men i know
through
mass social media
to dig further into research
the claims given by those
whose facts aren't driven
by method scientific
i chose
to support
in
birth

Strength, hidden.

A moment in time
while scheduled
was strange
and beautiful

while she lay there
on
table
waiting for her
unborn
child
being born
by scalpal
to see his face
to know his
life.

Scared
yet informed
more than
before
as much as
they will tell her
her right to choose
empowerment lost
but
not
gone

She waits
patiently
the good patient
quiet and unknowing
what will
come next
what right will they
bestow upon
her
for HER birth

Not many
...wait...
because
here it comes

the only control
she can
have
she feels she has
and knows
she
has
she wants
and will get

Cloudy is her
mind as she
crawls from the
depths of the
cut
drugs fading
slowly

greeting
vomiting
it's not pretty
but
something more
powerful than
this Doula
has seen

a knowing, strong
and deep
crawling up from
places unseen

drugs fading
baby aside
deep determination
strong
will
to survive this
attrocity
to
be strong against
this forced
doctrine
of idiocy
she breastfeeds
to bring back
her power
fresh is
the pain

not stopping
her

My vantage
point is clear
she is
the bear
protecting her
cub
this strong
empowered
woman
drawing strength
from
places that feel
damaged
from pieces
left from
authority
telling her
that's she's broken

Fuck you
doctors, women
named Susan
and all
you
people who
think
she can't
when she
CAN

Obvious to
me
maybe not to
her
she has never
seemed so
strong and
beautiful
as she
is right
now
feeding
her young
boy at
her
breast

Itch...itching...it's driving me crazy...

Staying here
just one more day
is causing
my skin to burn

I feel claustrophobic
stuck
and beginning
to feel the walls close
tighter
against my skin

Too many people
here
without real
friendships or love
just said hugs
or something masked
with niceties
unfortunately

so scared to believe
in anyone
that anyone
could be real to me
could be
friendly
could be
my friend
for real

Feeling so much
like this is
high school
just as i
did then feeling
awkward
wanting away
out
afraid to give
of myself
fear of being
disliked.

get me out of here
crawling is
my skin of
new beginnings
not knowing anyone
neighbours
only family miles
miles
miles away
from here
us
and so desperately
wanting fresh starts
all
the
time.

Quiet mumblings
try
to help find
ways to assimilate
into this
incredibly
small
town of small
minds or
big minds
of small people
can't be sure
because
they can't be
nice
can't get close

moving will
save me
stop the itch
stop
the paranoia
or careful delivery
of words said
to neighbours
of town
people

subsiding soon
very
close to
stopping the itch
i need this furious
craving to be rid
of these insects
bites
running soon
away

for now
i
close my eyes
pretend
wait to soon
leave this itchy
sticky
scratchy
messy
scary
feeling-ed
place

Let me share the...Unexpected

six years ago
you caught my eye
i chose to look at
a different guy
someone contrary
to the usual or
something

over the Internet
you glared into
the picture
looking young
and sweet
and bearable

huggable
adorable
feeling lovable

we talked
so many nights
a few weeks passed
I'm certain
before we
could meet

you were so different
then
our conversations light
and airy
funny and so hilarious
i yearned for more
more nights to
chat online
to speak to you
over the telephone line
hear your
voice or
capture some witty
comment in my ear

in my mind i saw you
as intellectual
but different than most
you had this way
to make all your words
so funny
i laughed
needed to laugh

All the while
you discussed not
really being the
knight in shining
armour i was
probably
likely
looking for..
...you were
you are

no saving me required
like some
stupid princess fairy-tale
i saved myself
finally

all i needed was to
fill in some holes and
gaps that were mostly
left unfilled
you fill me
so
completely

helping me find
meaningful love
respect
communication
without a doubt
how could i not
fall so
deeply
in love with you?

i saw you there in
the coffee shop
with your green
eyes and
green shirt
I'm pretty sure
no thanks to my
malleable memories

its how i like to recall
those days
anyway

you smiled
a lot
asked questions a lot
flow of conversation
never really halted
what was said
are things I'll
never remember
maybe baby
sign language
ridiculousness
something of the sort

some people wondered
if i was sure
what was i doing
and how did i meet
this could be creep
online?
and be fine?

he continued to
hold my attention
with his words
and heart
compassion
morals and love
or not love in
balloons of hope and
things not meant to
be said
so
soon
maybe? ;)
in February

despite my apparent
dislike of tall snow
and wet boots
on hikes to breakfast
nooks
he liked me
too

often my glances
looked only
his way to watch
him craft his words
to laugh at what
was next
so intrigued by this man
soon to adore

the man i met is no
more
he has transformed
into a butterfly
or a bottomless sponge
always
needing more
knowledge

now you are even
more beautiful to me
with your stories and
teachings
lessons
and...
preachings?

matter-of-fact-ness
all the time
sugar-coatings
sometimes left at
the
curb
only getting the straight
goods

someone who is
always growing
looking for more
is what i needed
thriving
for someone
who challenges
first thoughts
opinions and looks
further to research
for answers
of life

needing more than what
our parents parents said
actual
real
answers
instead of assumptions

i love you more
because you grow
and encourage
my growth
knowledge and
challenge me
to use my mind
in ways i
couldn't even
conceptualize
before
i met you

while we agree
we were probably
not
"meant to be"
but so incredibly happy to
be
with you
to have found you
in this chaotic world
of weird
people and others
who lurk on the Internet
I'm so lucky
we met

my dreams have
always been of someone
to sit with me
side by side
in old age
on the dock with our
feet in the water
discussing whatever
the current
topics are
tea in hand
loving
respecting
for life
so perfect
with you in that
seat next to me.

A friendly reminder of why I left...

Here we go again
you, reminding me
of why
i chose to be here
and not there
not in your arms
you dirty fucking scumbag.

Surely there are worse men out there
fathers who afflict violence
ones who owe a lot more than you do
ignorant dads who totally disregard
any notion of being present
does it mean i can't be mad

i'm not about to stop
and begin to accept
YOUR
absurdity, stupidity
ego-driven philosophy

I'm tired already
he's not even that old
tired of your games and your
thinking you always get the
short end
of the stick
you
fucking
prick

but you
you do that thing you always have
with your in and out
behaviours of
maybe i'll be there if it suits me
or not

i know i left to avoid this
so why the fuck does it keep existing here in my
brain with thorns and daggers attached
every time i try to release you, you
just hit harder with your attack.

something else, a power trip
a way to control
as you always have
supposing nothings changed

supposing you might step it up
or one day
tire of your half ass dad
pretend act
ike you care so fucking much
telling me
i have no idea how close you are with
MY son

except for not paying support and leaving
him high and dry
on most occasions
for fighting against the things that matter most
being late at the bus stop
not engaging
...when he's asked you to

why does your kid need to be interactive in order
to care
for him
as a baby you spent no time
babies aren't worth your time?

no bus time or car time or efforts or wonderings
as far as i could tell u didn't
care
even when he was right in front of you
grandparents are glorious for diaper changes
middle of the night feedings
and wallowing in
your own misfortunes

you tell me i'm failing him
throw stones at first chance
pick apart
my raising him
assuming i've done something wrong
telling me that
my boy is messed

fuck you
and
your fucking accusations

WHO ARE YOU
to come along
you
have five percent
of his time
and somehow
some way
you've managed to figure
out that he's a "fragile"
boy who lies to you
only
and that's my fault
you fucking idiot

YOU have NO idea
clueless and
ignorant
only involved when it
appears the leg up
might be yours

Let me
let you
in on a little secret

Never
will i give up my son
give away his love
his time and presence
if you think he's fragile
its clear
you don't know him
at all

supposing this is all i
can say
to you
from this location
as to not hurt
my son
emotionally
to let it out
to save me from
wanting you
not alive

supposing i walked
away without you ever
knowing him
i still wish i had
you make me
wish i had

your manipulative ways
with my son
trying to fight for power

for his sake i walked away
that day
resisting your urges to stay

i thank my sister
my family
for their power
support
to help me walk away from
the hate

My son will learn
about the fuck
you are
from you
all on
your own

I was just trying to be nice, Unknowing Anything and Paranoia

Trying to find words for feeling lost
for feeling alone in a small world of atheists and
skeptics in a small town of believers of everything
that makes everyone feel good
trying to understand why others don't see what i see
why is this clear to me
and not the others
why are we alone in a town so small but a world so big
unallowed to use our voice in a way that might offend
so scared to say something wrong, for now
we have somehow offended
there will be no way of knowing
what our opinion, our choices, our thirst for knowledge
specifically has said
there's no way to ask, it's just not socially accepted
so fuck you, for making me feel unaccepted in this small town
for feeling smaller in this small town,
for never really welcoming us
we were always being judged
even though we didn't know it, or perhaps sort of did
fuck you because you think you you're better than me

Had i been here and you dropped in,
I would've welcomed you, allowed you in
helped you feel safe
to care or just to talk
i would've fucking been here
you are religious, supposed to be
supposed to not be
the mean vindictive one
but i've seen it, seen you, i know it's in you
I'm not real sorry for the words i've cast
I'm sorry they had to be said
If you can't be an adult and get past a difference
whatever it may be
than i've gone on too long and wasted too much time
on you

Discovering myself in feminism, humanism and the way i'm perceived...

Our views on certain things are different
and that's okay, you see
i'll still be there for you
like the way I thought you'd want to be there for me
why do you look at me like i am less human for
engaging in issues with which i do not agree
not everything about us is the same, i know
i just wonder why you look that way at me