weighting games

i've spent recent years
thinking about the fat
that is all around me

the uncomfortableness of the
belly and the rings that don't
fit on married fingers

missing them i often can
feel the heaviness
the puffiness
i so want to be free
of this hold that
has taken within me
feelings so strong
influencing my choices
to eat things i don't want to

i know what will happen
knowing I'll grow again
and more
bigger and harder to
breath
and run
and play with my kids
it hurts
the knees

but this struggle so difficult
for fucking life
up and down
clothes fitting than not
as i close the zipper
to very large pairs of
pants

forever this challenge will
hold my choices hostage
and force me to consume
things i'd rather not
and not allow me the pleasure
of things so many others
will continue to
indulge so freely
substantially
fucking everywhere

the smells of fat
sugar
blubber
can't be free of feelings
of failure
ugliness trappings
of insecurity wrapped in
licorice
dipped in chocolate
so i will continue to eat more
to feel better without feeling better

so fucking hard
addiction to kick
worse than anything i've had
to endure
it's sticks
for life i must choose
a better way for my children
for me to play
to live
love
be
just so fucking hard