I have some crazy audacity...

Bloody hell this won't leave me...
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I have some crazy audacity...

i suppose i do
and it's likely mostly true
as i kick ass through

to find the the girl i lost years ago

most days i tire from the monotony
i feel mad and sad
emotional and scarred
working through feelings of
inadequacy, paranoia and mistrust
knowingly alone in most of it

perhaps i am an arrogant
something
with blatant disregard for others feelings
but among the thorns there are
roses spread here too

and hey
lets not pretend
that we don't all have feelings
that border on crazy
or irrational
its just
i'm writing it here and you can see

exactly as you read
this is raw
full of feelings
of moments i can't take away
i won't take away

so yes, i have the audacity...

au·dac·i·ty

   [aw-das-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural au·dac·i·ties.

1.

boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogantdisregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or otherrestrictions.

2.

effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness: His questioner'saudacity shocked the lecturer.

3.

Usually, audacities. audacious  acts or statements.

What that really means...

sitting on a porch, on a farm, far from home
conversation strikingly sad
pessimistic and unsure

halfway through the best of what
our bodies will reasonaably give us for life
with children running with puppies around us
gardens growing, house owning
fortunate as we are

struggling to come to terms with not becoming
successful or having necessary careers
knowing
ideas of success rapidly change
as our minds shape
lives of new beings
forcing a rethink to our
strategies

it's okay
though
and i'm who I am
where i am, loving whom i do because
good choices have brought me here

times get hard
i am not the doctor or
peacekeeping earth saver
i imagined i would
one day be by now
it's okay because it's who i am
she is still in me

it's okay because life is short
no one is going to be able to save this earth
by themselves
especially me, with this family
i am the same as many others, in a house that looks
plainly like all the others, in clothes that
look normally like hers and hers and hers

success has morphed for me into the moments
that the make the difference
not the times where i give a speech to hundreds of people
at a conference
or when i organize an office, or file papers

its when i sit with friends on a porch and talk about
life and kids and tiredness
its when i soak in the air and noises of my man
chatting as he always does, my son giggle with delight
as puppies playfully follow him
when daughters play independantly and yet still sing so loudly you can hear them when they are plainly out of sight

redefining successes
understanding the reality that is this earth

helping my first born find the goodness in himself
learning success is building strong friendships
making time for beautiful families

sometimes i will long for the old days, or better choices
excluding the career or lack of "success"
or life i have today
but then
maybe there wouldn't be the have the life i have today
where happiness is such a common place

You can do anything!

Recent conversations are creeping under my skin
deeper than anticipated
strangely my audacity
sheds light on how
parents encourage
providing endless confidence
what have they done
standing here wondering
what i've become

who am i
not the firefighter
policewoman or barbie
doll living in royalty
dreams providing little
truth
to facing of reality

not an astronaut, or a singer
certainly dancing is out
fashion designing
not even an entrepreneur
saving the earth is not in
the cards anymore
if every it was

and so digging into the depths of
who we thought we'd be
i share
the scary on the minds of many
i'm sure
sitting in an office like every other
just as encouraged as me
as the young blossoming children
we were

lets skip a few
maybe twenty-five years and here
i am, pushing my children to be
all they can be
helping others
pick a career
make enough money
good choices too
can you really do all that you want or
do your parents choices
lay on your hands
restricting you
can each child have the potential for
grand success

will you sit on hill with your best friend
and talk about how far you haven't come
and what that really means...