It probably really hurt...

I've been wanting to write this for a while sorry it's taken so long...

i was mad
I'm sure
you were too
we said some things that
i know i didn't mean
i remember what i said though
years later only
i realize
what that might have meant

to you

our bond, we share
runs so deep
I'm sad 
here
as i fail to let go of
what i said so long ago

"i would be a better mother than you"
that somehow you might
"not be a good mother
to your only
kids"
"i would save them from you
with visits from me"
and
so
with that

I'm so sorry

time has passed
and i have learned so much
learned that i was wrong
wrong to say what i said
it was mean
and i was young and i was
mean in saying
what i said to you
that day, those days

it might not mean a lot
twenty odd years have passed
still feeling it
and feel horrible for it 
coursing through me
are pains of regret

how can i
now
show you how wonderful you are
how many a day i listen
to you raise your beautiful daughter
and wish i could summon the patience
you so brilliantly share with
her

sitting here
thinking of you
your mothering
caring
kind and gentle ways
knowing your daughter
couldn't ever have
a better woman to admire
strong and loving
determined and soft
and so
intelligently opinionated
but only when you need to be
i admire you so immensely

a
mother
such a good mother
one i long to sometimes be
i hope you know
how much you mean to
me

i am so
sorry
i want to erase those words
from memories of past
perhaps you have
already
unable to
myself
i write to you and beg
for forgiveness undeserved