surviving social awkwardness

feeling
as though being "social"
becomes insurmountable
a mountain never attainable
not able
to climb


it's not
okay to show
depict
display one's
true self because
no one wants to know
if you're not always
feeling happy and
positive
about life
or everything


can't imagine others'
lives are so filled with
joy
speaking about pain
and negative feelings
leaves others not
wanting
to befriend
"don't want to talk
to you if it's
not happy
and if it's about
me
not you"


never having been
at the height
popularity
always hanging
somewhere down
below
based on social
norms
including such
constraints as
geekiness
awkwardly
speaking to
people
and never
really knowing the right thing to say
always being on different
pages of planets
unknown to others


in own worlds of space
perhaps there is
a space for me
for people like
me
are there people
like me?


so scared to be
myself
it hasn't worked so far
and so far
its only hurt my heart


it aches trying to
figure out this
complicated mess of
social expectedness
negativity
versus correctness
against norms
towing party lines
of black and
white and always
hearing the  
musings
sayings
bullshit
lines justify their
okay-ness
for me to be different
from them
as they walk backwards
from our conversations


lost in a world so deeply
filled with expectations of
agreeable behaviours


wanting so badly to
be myself but un-allowed
to be
scared to be


so i sit
quiet in rage
silent in thought
heart in hand
wondering which path
i can be safely opinionated
on