There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

There's no doubt, and most mommy-daddy websites will tell us about the crap
we have to deal with as we say goodbye to our past selves and hello to child-rearing
and working our asses off to have a mediocre living with our kids.  But, even though in
over hearing the musings of the childless behind a cubicle "wall ", I honestly feel while we
work hard, struggle financially and probably won't travel around the world, there are many
bits of joy in this Shit.

There is joy in the SHIT we're in...

I'm bloody goddamn tired
and you walk into our room
stand in front of me with your blue
eyes and insist on waking
the dead

I see you smile
I cringe and feel surges of anger
thump through my body
but that smile
radiating such joy
beyond words
challenges the aching
i feel
again, i rise
before daylight
has struck.

rushing at the break of
dawn to prepare lunches
and snacks
clothes for extra wear
because we know you will
"accidentally" soil that pair

pushing us to the brink
after multiple upon
multiple askings to put shoes
on and prepare to leave
anger takes hold
but then
you
look at me and say
please Mommy, just sit and read a book
with me
time melts away
ceasing to exist
I sit and enjoy a moment
of life
where sponges are obvious
obviously soaking in their surroundings
and so too, will i

together, your dad and I
watching you struggle
from high slides
to learning to combine letters
making sounds
forming words
being privy to your successes
is worth more than
people pay for gold

years have passed
six so far and I have
lived in a fog that holds tight
my days and nights
although i dream of days
where i can do as i please
again
i hold strong to the fog
because these are the best
years of innocence
feelings and amazement's
facial expressions
i hope to never
forget
these are times
and as hard (and fuck they're hard)
as they are
these are the times where the
intensity of the sleepless nights
hanging precariously on the cliff
of exhaustion
meets the peak of joy

in this SHIT, there is joy
so deep it
propels us to continue
embracing us

any day, i would take this SHIT for the joy it brings

raising my emotions

{Hugs to you}


Taking a deep breath is
so hard to do
when my mind is all
wrapped up in
musings that are
impossible to
control


I need to let go
for those
thoughts to
lose
their momentum
of frustration


if for a moment to
let myself
cry
because i can
and I'm a woman
who needs to
have that
release
to move forward


I carry a heavy burden
to which my emotions
tell me so
not being able to control
this thing
this
something heavy
heavy and
incredibly
difficult


how can i let go
and lose control
the way i
think
i
need to be?


Deep breaths i
take to drown
my lungs with patience
scarce as it
seems it is
within me
i have it
to be patient and
deal softly with
the elements of life
i find so challenging


breath
and time will
be
my light at the
end of this trying
tunnel


deep
sighs of
relief
please take me
away from this place

waiting on Thursday

becoming so entrenched in this
i am so tired i can't see
can't see the pain you feel

i know i should
knowing you would
would try to be as caring as
you could
i can't
feeling stuck and pulled down into
the water
wanting to drown
its hurting to stay above
almost every moment hurts to
continue and know
tomorrow will be the same as today
until Thursday

what the hell does this say about
me
what kind of person would i be
i care, i love, i really do
i know that you can't do anything
but be, right now in this place
where you'd rather be anywhere
else

i remind myself, knowingly of all
the reasons
it still doesn't stop this hardness
feeling so helpless
with so much that needs to be done
and nothing we can do
but wait for Thursday and hope
things get better soon

i love you so much
I'm so sorry i feel this way
and want to take it away but
I'm tired
and i can't
i must feel to move on
with tomorrow
and try desperately to
embrace the new day