weighting games

i've spent recent years
thinking about the fat
that is all around me

the uncomfortableness of the
belly and the rings that don't
fit on married fingers

missing them i often can
feel the heaviness
the puffiness
i so want to be free
of this hold that
has taken within me
feelings so strong
influencing my choices
to eat things i don't want to

i know what will happen
knowing I'll grow again
and more
bigger and harder to
breath
and run
and play with my kids
it hurts
the knees

but this struggle so difficult
for fucking life
up and down
clothes fitting than not
as i close the zipper
to very large pairs of
pants

forever this challenge will
hold my choices hostage
and force me to consume
things i'd rather not
and not allow me the pleasure
of things so many others
will continue to
indulge so freely
substantially
fucking everywhere

the smells of fat
sugar
blubber
can't be free of feelings
of failure
ugliness trappings
of insecurity wrapped in
licorice
dipped in chocolate
so i will continue to eat more
to feel better without feeling better

so fucking hard
addiction to kick
worse than anything i've had
to endure
it's sticks
for life i must choose
a better way for my children
for me to play
to live
love
be
just so fucking hard

walking a road to change

describing in detail
the likes of poverty i saw yesterday
to my seven year old
today
explaining the difference
city life
growth that will inevitably
seep in to his mind
like ivy growing up sides of
houses
every day we walk the streets
near our house we
won't escape it or not know
existence of the poor
life challenged individuals
all with many stories
we will not hide
instead
learn to help and understand
reasoning currently
incomprehensible
he's afraid of change and moving
again
afraid to try to make new friends
its hard
he's worked hard
being sensitive and quiet
finding friends is difficult
for people like us
i kept explaining the different world
where the park is right outside our
front door
libraries await only just down the street
can i just wake up and go to play
he asked
to which my reply was
no way
here or there you must wait
for us to be there with you
everything is close
there are buses
lots of people
schools next to stadiums
amongst the list of things cool
smiling he begins to
think of the differences he
can make
living in diverse arrangements
brings a whole new
life for him
we
while working hard to stay
employed
above poverty lines and financially stricken
taking risks moving from
village to village
at least there is the knowledge
that he will experience the many
ways in which people live
understand the differences
people have
and know that it's okay
perhaps
here
will be help for him
to see
its okay to be who you are
because everyone is different
and that's okay here
more acceptance
surprisingly in places
unknown

sleeping man

A man sleeps
against a wall on the ground
in an entrance to the parking
garage
me watching from afar
a man sits cross legged on
the sidewalk
banging his half mitt-ed
hands against his thighs
as he makes music
in his head
while his other bearded
friend stands slightly
to his side
ignoring all that he has said
staring blankly to the
road as though
the six people around
weren't actually
present in his time
as though also in a world
all my own, i move on
forward
with my business, busyness
different levels of living
as thought in parallel
universes we pass on
the streets
never to meet
maybe he was tired and needed
to lie down
maybe that's his bed
so hard and bright and dark
at night
with many people watching
judging
observing as i did today
thinking about this man who
lay
as i lay
on pillows fluffy and blankets
heavy
wondering why privilege has
left me distant
afraid
conditioned to ignore

facebooking love

the love you share in online worlds
seems of make-believe and things unreal
leaving tiny bits of hope
like leaves dropping dew unexpectedly
not really knowing you
your life
anything at all
about you really
except that you're together
just seeing the joy across random
posts
on your devotion
care
sweet nothings from nowhere
like a movie drama
or dream
it broke me to see it end
just a little
i felt so sad
like when characters die
i mourned the loss of your words
to eachother
it's weird and rather creepy
I'm sure
strangely its true however

often not posted so clearly for the world to read
are words like yours
beauty so clear and kind
to one another in relationships
(unknowingly complicated)
people don't share
usually...
except that you do
embracing the love
now
again
watching the pronouncements
across my screen
creates an illusion
or truth
that
love and loveliness has conquered
so don't fucking break up
again
because i don't like
how your movie made me feel
for short moments of time
before the happy ending
liking happy endings
like humans do
;)

Thanks for your beauty

i'm scared of life

we live our formative years
in ignorance of facts and truths
thinking of Santa, elves and reindeer
tooth fairies
other make-believe characters

not knowing about the complexities
of life for years
leaving fairy tales behind
embracing facts
having children
growing older, taking responsibilities
of life on

the visuals of death surround
us at levels in conceived before
people i love so close
people i love so far
too far away to do anything
too close in connection
fear closes in on my heart
growing weary of not knowing
which day will take my last breath

or she will hers
he might his
worry takes hold of my thoughts
becoming irrational
from once was rational
or not
just young
and inconceivable
wishing thoughts of sadness
possibilities of death to subside
maybe when I'm old
or older
or dead

partner not afraid to die?
how can that be when this life
is all we have
all
we
have?!!
maybe time and elderly
feelings will get the better
of me..
until that time, i dream of dreams
unwanted
fears envisioned, certainly unwarranted
too hard to push away
my mothers craziness
and irrationality settles into my
heart and i know now
how she felt
how she feels
just don't let them go before me
whatever happens
tears swell..so unrealistic
yet completely imaginable
why

scared to live for fear of death
grabbing hold of my very breath

walking to rainbows

making moves of slight
difference
difficult beyond our
current knowledge and stress
it wouldn't be us if
we didn't keep making moves
to enhance financial gains
just as steps are taken
loads lessen
yet roads get bumpier and
more challenging
in ways beyond knowledge of
known passing
routes are blocked
working hard, not mattering
working tired and tired
of working but
still going and needing breaks
waiting for the glimmer of
hope
times when walking slowly
uphill is not our daily battlerainbows in distances
seemingly close
farther the closer you
think you're getting