While I can't promise any of my particular posts are poetic as such, they speak to my feelings, raw in moments of emotional turmoil with non sentences.
This post has sentences.
Tonight struck me with a rather surprising epiphany and i wish I could say it came to me because of an inspirational and deeply thought provoking movie. It didn't. It was just fucking Batman. Well, it was after i was pumped up on enough caffeine and movie inspiration that I could be completely off and i was running the dog in the park, not during the movie. But, none-the-less, it runs from the excitement and inspiration from the movie.
As I threw the Frisbee for the dog, i felt strong again. I remembered that all this while...over the past few months of discussion about being a surrogate and what that means giving up. Essentially, it means we are committing to having no more of our own children. We are, for all intent and purposes, done.
While I said it, i'm not sure i meant it. Until now. I am sure, certain and happy would feel completely comfortable with my partner going in tomorrow for surgery to cut it up. ;) {He might not be...} But, I am happy with that answer because it will free me.
I love my children and am so happy i have them, i would never change those decisions for the world. It is fucking tiring though. Child rearing. Wiping me clear of energy i never had to begin with. And so, with that I feel good in moving forward to gaining a semblance of strength inside of me, finding the little lady, small activist-world saver that I once deemed myself to be.
I am letting go of the childbearing fog that holds me in a monotony. Exiting the state of not being able to do anything else in the meantime.
This has been a pivotal day in the history of my 8 year fog. I am breaking free.
I will not pretend this fog will be easy to slip out of, since i am not an energetic person and i'm still not sure if the caffeine high and lack of children are prompting me to this point however it feels right and tonight i'm going with it.
End of non-poetic post
Beginning of clarity
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