Behind the curtains curtains...

I've struggled all my life
with feelings of inadequacy but only in certain moments of life
where i meet unknown
where i am accepted, i am strong
willed
loud
powerful, i try to be
every time i tip toe into
deep waters of new territory
there's struggle of learning
where fitting in might be
nervous and shy
paranoid and terrified of what
others might think of me
have i opened up too much
not enough
there always seems to be a wall up
for most that won't accept
or let me feel free to express myself

the others, like me
seem open
and the others others have opened freely to them as such
but not to me
qualities not exuded from me
put people on edge, i think
me
sitting back, listening, figuring
out
scared of thoughts in their heads
how do they feel about me
likely thinking about shy girl
not a  priority
dealing with lifes' challenges and own
situations has people's thoughts set adrift
but
fuck
here i sit, scared as shit
feeling alone and unwanted, unasked
and different from all the rest
no one has said anything to lead me to believe
just uninvited
behind a wall of curtains curtains
shielding me from becoming more
until they ask for something more
until I'm freed from
the drape of insecurity
that blocks feelings of trust
friendships from blooming
and life from living
i just can't come out though
until the invitation has been given
too much hurt has been there
lies have been there
too much pain has settled
behind those sheers of armour
protection from words of
daggers whispered in
secret conversations
i wait
until someone opens the door to my fears
and invites me in to theirs
i wait